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They're everywhere!


Every week, there's some new company making the queer-hatin' folks of our U.S. American society real mad in their bathing suit regions, for making nice-nice with the gays. Usually we hear about it from the One Million Moms, that motley crew that consists of ONE MILLION VERY POWERFUL LADIES this one asshole Never-Nude called Monica Cole, whose husband apparently allows her to do nothing all day besides scour the internet and the TV Guide for anything that slightly titillates her in the gay way. Then she opens up her email and writes an angry letter to her limited group of followers, demanding ACTION! She is under the impression that she and her "group" are powerful and feared, but the truth is that #brands just LOL at them and go about their gay days.

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But alert, Monica, alert! Because Sunday was a holy day for the homosexuals, and we are NOT talking about Mardi Gras (which is much, much holier). No, it was National Coming Out Day, the day everybody gets on the internet and says why they chose to deny the Lord and get initiated as a dirty homosexual. Some of the stories are very heartwarming, if you go in for that sort of thing. Yr Wonkette, on the other hand, likes to use the day to inform people how gay they are, because we can't be serious for one fucking minute, can we?

And what does this have to do with Monica and the One Million Moms? Oh, just that some of your favorite #brands decided to say gay things for the gay holiday, and therefore must be boycotted by all good Christian heterosexuals.

Monica could get on her internet machine and Google which brands were too nice to the homos Sunday, but that would hurt Jesus's feelings, because Google got in on the hot gay action:

"Gayglers"? Really? All right, if that's what you're going with, Google, don't let us interfere with You Doing You.

Also needing to be scratched off the One Million Moms' list? Coca-Cola. That's right, if these "one million" ladies are in any way serious about their religious beliefs, they will stop drinking Coca-Cola products, because the company's secret ingredient seems to be dude-on-dude sexxxytime:

OK, fine. So Google and Coke are off the list. Relax! You guys can still use Bing (LOL) and drink Pepsi! Wait, no you can't, because Bing and Pepsi -- whose wholly owned subsidiary Frito-Lay recently brought us gay-flavored rainbow Doritos -- both are big homo-lovers. Lots of other companies at those links, too. They might not have Said A Gay for National Coming Out Day, but they love the gaysexuals just the same!

How about YouTube? Are Good Christians allowed to watch those Good Christian Fame Whores Sam and Nia Rader on the YouTube? FUCK YOU, wingnuts, and nope:

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Well, what if gay-haters live in New York City and their houses catch on fire? Bad news, guys. You're going to have to pray the flames away, because the New York City Fire Department (FDNY) picked National Coming Out Day to make an It Gets Better video, to tell the gay kids that It Gets Better, and to hang in there. This is obviously a demonic message, because the Jesus the One Million Moms worship was well known for kicking gay kids in the face and stealing their lunch money. Anyway, here's a video of some firemen and fireladies, talking about how they are Teh Gay:

GRRR ARGH, the One Million Moms are probably thinking right now. Is there nothing they're allowed to do anymore without being consigned to the fires of hell for all eternity, for inadvertently supporting the homosexual lifestyle? Fine, those white ladies will just stay off the computer and watch some BET, like they always do. Except NOPE!

And finally, we've saved the best for last. The one these wingnuts say they would NEVER use. Planned Parenthood tweeted A Gay!

Now, we know, the types of bigots who like the One Million Moms are probably saying, "Well, that's no loss! We'd never use that terrible organization what chops up live babies and sells them for scrap at flea markets!" (They don't do that. Those videos are, again, horseshit.) But they are lying. Because the truth of the matter is that your typical anti-abortion types wave their signs and whatnot, but when push comes to "my daughter is pregnant," many of them are all too willing to drive their little 16-year-old Caitlins and Madisons into the big city for abortions, because shhhhhh, it's different when it's their own daughters. How do we know this? Because we've known many abortionistas over the course of our life, and they have told us about the conservative Christian mommies bringing their daughters in for 'bortions, and probably never telling Dad this happened, EVER.

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But unfortunately Planned Parenthood has caved to the dirty homosexual agenda, so SUCKS FOR YOU, WINGNUTS, but you're going to have to find a new place to get secret abortions for your teenage daughters. It's too bad you've been working so hard to shut down abortion clinics the last few years!

Have fun on all your secret abortion road trips!

[JoeMyGod / JoeMyGod again]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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