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Hello, Wonkers, what a week we had! The Confederate flag died a timely death, Obamacare was saved AGAIN, and we now have the mandatory gay marriage the country has been craving for so long. Have you found your gay husband or wife yet? If not, you should find one in the comments, which are not allowed! Also, important update on Wonkette babby! As you can see above, she is now teaching math at the local university, isn't that exciting?


So, it's almost time for us to count down the week's top stories, but first we need to ask you a very important question: WILL YOU GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY, RIGHT NOW? Okay, maybe not all of it, but if you love your Wonkette, and you understand that weeks full of crazy news just wouldn't be the same if we were not writing at you in our trademarked "better than every other site" way, then how about throwing us $5, in honor of ALL THE GAY LOVE. Here, since we are a mommyblog, we will post a picture of ANOTHER Wonkette munchkin, all dressed up about gay marriage, to help you open your wallet. Here is yr gay Wonkette's niece:

All right, here are your top ten posts of the week, as chosen by science. If you've already read them, read them again!

1. God sent the angel Gabriel to Kentucky or Alaska, not sure which, to a virgin who had previously been pledged to to be married to a man named Dakota. The virgin’s name was Bristol Palin. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored and very good at abstinence! The Lord is with you.”

Bristol was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Bristol; you have found favor with God, and you have never had sex in your life, no, not ever. You will conceive and give birth to a son or maybe a daughter, and you are to name the baby after whatever household object you have lying around, as Palins do.

“How will this be?”, Bristol asked the angel. "For real, I have never done sex."

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you (GROSS, HOLY SPIRIT!) and the power of the Most High will overshadow you, and you will get a baby in your butt.

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Bristol answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. [END SCENE.]

2. Wingnut Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton had a beautiful, hilarious meltdown over gay marriage, which led to this meme:

3. And what about other wingnuts? Oh they were just very upset about how gay jihadists did a whole new 9/11 to America on Friday.

4. The Supreme Court losers absolutely lost their shit over the gay marriage ruling, and it was delightful!

5. Ann Coulter is very upset about how she is a nobody now. Won't some nice white person give her a hug?

6. Mike Huckabee really wishes we could shut up about "racism," and instead talk about his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

7. IBM punched Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, right in his scrotum sac, over his anti-gay executive order.

8. Walmart was very surprised to find a bunch of Confederate flag merch in its stores, so they discontinued it. And then a bunch of other companies did too!

9. The race experts on Fox News were SO MAD about how President Obama gets to use the N-word and they can't.

10. And finally, here is a rundown of just how awful every single GOP candidate was/is on the Confederate flag, before they were forced to (sort of) come to Jesus on the subject.

WHAT A WEEK!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette!

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

 

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are very tired and are going to go spend the rest of Sunday doing Not Things. Maybe we will nap in rainbow-colored clothing, like Wonkette Babby is doing, pictured below. We'll see y'all on Monday!

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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