GENERAL JOHN KELLY IS NOT THE DAD OF HIM, DONALD TRUMP!!!
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE TO EAT WHAT JOHN KELLY FEEDS HIM.
For a brief moment in time, Americans were hopeful the Trump White House might start functioning a li'l bit more like a regular grown-up White House once General John Kelly was installed as chief of staff. And yes, Kelly's brought some "military discipline" to the way the West Wing runs, which is sorta kinda better than how it was before, when Donald Trump Jr. was free to run the halls naked and Eric Trump successfully lobbied to have a bouncy house installed in the Oval. (Allegedly, all of that is allegedly.)
But our hopes died when we realized Kelly was a mean and nasty ideologue just like Trump. The last straw was when Kelly openly lied about Rep. Frederica Wilson in the press briefing room, in an effort to discredit a war widow whose feelings the president hurt when he called to express his "condolences."
Apparently Kelly is also failing at his one true job (running a tight military-style ship), because the Wall Street Journal reports that Trump is fully aware Kelly is not his real dad, and therefore has come up with ways to circumvent his chief of staff's strict rules and curfews. For instance, SHHHHH DON'T TELL JOHN KELLY, but Donald Trump has a secret mission for you! Just come upstairs to the White House residence and sit on Trump's lap while he sits on his gold-plated potty, and he will tell you it!
The president on occasion has called White House aides to the private residence in the evening, where he makes assignments and asks them not to tell Mr. Kelly about the plans, according to several people familiar with the matter. At least once, aides have declined to carry out the requested task so as not to run afoul of Mr. Kelly, one of these people said.
That's right, Donald Trump has a secret treehouse club in the residence, and it is NO GIRLS OR JOHN KELLYS ALLOWED. (OK, maybe some girls. Trump likes those, as long as they have "first-rate pussy.")
When secret club meetings in the residence don't work, Trump and his pals have found another way to sneak around behind Kelly's back, and it is to just call Melania, because she's a permissive, "fun" mom, we guess:
... [S]ome of his friends have taken to calling Melania Trump and asking her to pass messages to her husband, according to two people familiar with the matter. They say that since she arrived in the White House from New York in the summer, the first lady has taken on a more central role as a political adviser to the president.“If I don’t want to wait 24 hours for a call from the president, getting to Melania is much easier,” one person said.
Melania Trump's office says that is fake news, because the first lady is far too busy doing first lady stuff, like for instance installing The Nightmare Before Christmas-style decorations all over the White House, and therefore has no time to run interference in the West Wing or pass secret love notes to Donald from his BFFs.
This is a scene that never happens in the White House:
MELANIA: John Kelly, hey look over there![John Kelly looks OVER THEREand sees nothing besides Stephen Miller yet again trying to convince Hope Hicks he would be really good at sex if somebody would just give him a chance to try it out. Totally normal. Meanwhile, Melania Trump does a series of Sydney Bristow-style ninja kicks and somersaults, climbs across the Oval Office ceiling with special sticky bat feet, then suspends herself in mid-air over the Resolute Desk and whispers, "Roger Stone called and said he's been assassinated by the Deep State again. We should send a get well card, no?"]
KELLY: Alas, Melania has foiled me again!
Whatever, we bet that's exactly what happens.
This White House is such a shitshow, and it's only going to get worse from here. Hold on tight, America.
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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