Now that the Justice Department has declared George Zimmerman a swell human being who merely shot and killed Trayvon Martin but didn't violate his civil rights, Mr. Zimmerman sat down for a spontaneous, not-at-all scripted-sounding interview with his divorce lawyer, Howard Iken, who apparently doesn't just do divorces, but is also branching out into journalism. Watch out, Terry Gross, Howard Iken is gunning for your time slot! We'd embed the video, but that is Not Allowed; you can view the whole abomination here.

Zimmerman says that when he learned the Justice Department had closed its investigation, "Initially I was extremely alleviated." Ah, but that initial feeling of alleviation soon turned into another feeling -- perhaps he felt alluvial, or even alloyed (sadly, he could not make references to literary works, because the whole experience left him disallusioned). But now, George Zimmerman is on a quest. A quest for justice, and perhaps to keep his name in the news:

Quickly that turned into a realization that the Department of Justice finding that there was no basis to pursue charges was just the beginning of a journey -- my personal journey -- to correct the wrongs that the federal government did. To ensure that it never happens to any innocent American ever again.

That is a worthy goal for a personal journey, although many might prefer just to hike the Grand Canyon. No one should ever have to face what George Zimmerman has been through ever again. We were sort of hoping this would be where Mr. Zimmerman would say, "Learn from my example: If you're thinking of stalking and shooting an unarmed black teenager just because you think he looks out of place in your neighborhood, don't do it. It is not worth the trouble, and taking a human life is a terrible thing to do! Also, the federal government might investigate you, which is also a spot of bother." Sadly, he said other things instead.

Mr. Iken asked, seeing as how Zimmerman happened to bring it up, "You mentioned injustice by the federal government. Is there any sort of feeling you have after this whole journey you've been through that there has been unfairness towards you?" It's really pretty remarkable how Iken picked up on that particular thought and decided to go with it -- that's some good interviewing!

Zimmerman replied, astonishingly, that yes, he did indeed feel that he had been the victim of great injustice. Why, nobody ever thought to look into whether George Zimmerman's civil rights had been violated! He's pretty indignant about that.

Needless to say, Zimmerman's quite certain he did nothing wrong, and he has a clean conscience. When Iken asked "Do you wish it had turned out differently?" we briefly thought Zimmerman might have expressed some regret that it was necessary for him to shoot Martin -- in self defense of course -- but instead, he got right to the true injustice.

"I believe that the American judicial system failed," Zimmerman said, because he never should have even been tried at all. After all, he knew he was innocent, and since when does the American judicial system put people on trial when they're sure they did nothing wrong? What a topsy-turvy world we live in, when someone is tried for murder just for shooting a kid, instead of perhaps exhuming the dead 17-year-old and trying him for having been a thug.

But what about the initial event itself, Iken pressed. (Wow, this guy's tough!) Does Zimmerman wish that had gone differently?

Frankly, no, Zimmerman is pretty OK with Trayvon Martin being dead, because George Zimmerman is a Christian, so when shit happens, it's God's will:

I believe that God does everything for a purpose, and He had his plans, and for me to second-guess them would be hypocritical, almost blasphemous.

Take that, doctrine of free will! It was preordained, and George Zimmerman is not going to blaspheme by asking whether maybe God didn't want that kid to die at 17. Still, Zimmerman has given that matter a lot of "thought":

However, as an individual, I've done a lot of soul-searching, and the conclusion that many professionals have conveyed to me, and I have come to adopt, is that only in a true life-or-death scenario can you have mental clearness to know that you cannot feel guilty for surviving. Had I have had a fraction of a thought that I could've done something differently, acted differently, so that both of us would have survived, then I would have heavier weight on my shoulders ... You cannot, as a human, feel guilty for living, for surviving.

It's awfully nice to know that he searched his soul so much, and that he had professional help in doing so. And he's completely certain that nothing could have gone differently, like if perhaps when the 911 dispatcher told him not to chase after Martin, maybe he could have not done that. But he couldn't, you see, because God wanted it. This does not at all sound like a big wad of psychopathic rationalizations, not one bit.

Ever the diligent interviewer, Iken wanted to know, "If you had to point to a government agency or official, who do you think brought the highest level of unfairness to your personal situation?" You will be very surprised by Zimmerman's answer!

By far, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. He had the most authority and in that sense I would hold him in the highest regard believing that he would hold that position and do his absolute hardest to not inflame racial tensions in America [...]

President Obama held his Rose Garden speech stating, 'If I had a son he would look like Trayvon.' To me that was clearly a dereliction of duty pitting Americans against each other solely based on race.

How dare Barack Hussein Obama divide Americans so much by being black, and by sympathizing with a dead teenager. If only Barack Hussein Obama had calmed the waters by inviting George Zimmerman to the White House, and perhaps giving him a medal for keeping his community safe or something. But noooooo:

He took what should have been a clear-cut self-defense matter and still to this day on the anniversary of [sic] incident he held a ceremony at the White House inviting the Martin-Fulton family and stating that they should take the day to reflect upon the fact that all children’s lives matter. Unfortunately for the president I’m also my parent’s child and my life matters as well. And for him to make incendiary comments as he did and direct the Department of Justice to pursue a baseless prosecution he by far overstretched, overreached, even broke the law in certain aspects to where you have an innocent American being prosecuted by the federal government which should never happen.

Oddly enough, even his divorce lawyer wasn't able to identify which particular aspects of federal law Barack Hussein Obama broke, but we bet it had something to do with inflaming race hatred by siding with The Blacks against George Zimmerman, who is the greatest victim in the history of victimhood, at least until he meets Sarah Palin in the final bracket.

But what could Barack Hussein Obama have done differently? Zimmerman just wished that the president hadn't made all those "racially charged comments," and that he'd have called for calm and maybe he could have also "asked for the Martin-Fulton family and their attorneys not to incite violence and asked for calm from the entire community,” which is pretty remarkable. We missed the tape of Trayvon's parents and their attorneys saying, "Please go riot and Get Whitey." For that matter, we missed the riots, too, but apparently they were horrific, at least inside George Zimmerman's head.

Iken also asked about Zimmermen's subsequent troubles, and poor victimized George asked us all to put ourselves in his shoes. Why was it international news when he got a speeding ticket that one time? It just shows how the media are out to get him. Strangely, he only mentioned the speeding ticket, but he's right. Honestly, we all get the cops called on us in multiple incidents of domestic violence, don't we, yet we don't make the news for that.

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Shorter Zimmerman: What about me? What about me? What about me? You people say you care about justice? Well WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE??

Also, check out his divorce lawyer's sweet web page. It literally oozes class. "Clients do not hire us to come in second place. We take that responsibility seriously." Now, why on earth they're also making George Zimmerman Pity Party videos, we don't know, but maybe that's just one extra service they provide their most divorceable clients.

[Ayo & Iken via RawStory / Ayo & Iken homepage]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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