Say hello to John Stone and his little friend! His ancestor, he tells us, "used a cannon like this to fight the British in Savannah and win us the Constitution," which doesn't make one lick of sense since any fool knows that John Stone's ancestor was actually fighting for the Articles of Confederation. But perhaps we quibble. Mr. Stone then pledges that,

"As the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress, I'm willing to do the same if we have to"

Which is a pretty weird pledge, considering that we have not made #war on the British since 1815.

He doesn't think it will be necessary to blow away any redcoats, however, since

"it's a whole lot easier just to vote in new House Republican leaders who will simply stand up to Obama and defend our Constitution. That's why I'm the only candidate in this race who's pledged to do just that."

We'll assume he means he's the only Republican running for Georgia District 12 who has pledged to vote out the current House leadership, as all Republicans have promised to restore the Constitution and to rid our land of the Kenyan Tyrant.

Mr. Stone, who has apparently overcome his notoriety for harassing the crew of the sloop John B all those years back, is part of a crowded primary seeking the Republican nomination and hoping to unseat Democratic incumbent Rep. John Barrow, who beat Stone by a wide margin in 2008.

We are disappointed by Stone's lack of a clear target for his fusillade -- while other candidates have fired guns at papers and drones and other stuff, Stone would have easily won this year's race for largest bore, if only his cannon weren't firing blanks. A real man would have used grapeshot to shred a copy of the federal budget or something. Hell, he doesn't even threaten to cut anyone's balls off.

[John Stone for Congress / WaPo]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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