Georgia’s Gabriel Sterling Takes Scouring Pad, Bleach To Trump’s Lies For Half An Hour

Conspiracy Theories

The Georgia Senate runoffs are today, and they'll determine if Mitch McConnell spends the next four years giving Joe Biden an atomic wedgie combined with a wet willy (i.e., the “Obama Special"). The stakes are high, and Republicans would've preferred if Georgia's voting systems administrator Gabriel Sterling hadn't held a press conference Monday explaining to the public why Donald Trump is a moron. We, on the other hand, were delighted.

Sterling is a Republican, but that only really matters these days to Democrats who still believe that matters to most Republicans. Sterling, along with his boss, Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, is considered a traitor to the party because he dared state that the emperor has no electoral votes from Georgia. (Sterling, however, is still supporting Senators Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue because America apparently needs “divided government" consisting of fascist enablers.)

Trump called up Raffensperger this weekend and workshopped an hourlong standup routine centering around debunked voter fraud conspiracy theories. You wouldn't think there was enough space in his pea-shaped brain for all this nonsense. It's possible that the Kraken forced out all his memories of Tiffany Trump.

Sterling considered it important to challenge Trump's many, many lies about the 2020 election, especially as Georgians continue voting. He didn't want people believing that Dominion voting machines secretly worked for Megatron.


During Monday's press conference, Sterling described debunking Trump's garbage as a twisted game of “whack-a-mole." It's like Groundhog's Day because no matter how often Sterling corrects Trump's deliberate disinformation campaign, he has to start all over again the next day.

He also specifically asked Georgians, regardless of party, to turn out to vote today, because Trump's stooges have held rallies in the state encouraging people to boycott the runoff. This is apparently a form of “protest," which Trump mentioned during his shakedown call with Raffensperger. Sterling admitted that when he listened to the audio of the conversation, he screamed in his car.

Sterling said Trump's elite squad of pinheads “intentionally misled the state Senate, the voters and the people of the United States" about the so-called “State Farm video," which supposedly showed fraudulent activity by election workers at a counting facility in Fulton County.

According to an official investigation, "the entire security footage revealed there were no mystery ballots that were brought in from an unknown location and hidden under tables as has been reported by some." But regardless of the facts, Trump and his fellow scumbags kept spreading their lies. Rudy Giuliani, the worst person in any room without Trump, deliberately shared a selectively edited video on social media. These slime balls are maligning innocent election workers who were just doing their jobs.

STERLING: It was intentional, it was obvious, and anybody watching this knows that.

Trump claimed that election workers left the room because of an alleged water main break, but there was no water main break. A urinal overflowed. Trump accused election workers of shredding ballots. This is also more bullshit. The documents disposed of were not actual votes. They were old mailing labels, papers with voter information, old e-mails and duplicate absentee ballot forms.

Some other Trump brand crap about the Georgia election: Minors voted illegally (apparently contraband civics is how the kids get their kicks these days), and others weren't registered to vote at all, registered late, or registered with a post office box instead of a residential address. Sterling confirmed that all these lies were investigated — like they had nothing better to do while leading up to a runoff election — and not one ballot was cast by anyone in these naughty groups.

You'll notice also the implicit slander that only Democrats or people not voting for Trump would vote illegally. If Senator Kelly Loeffler, for instance, believes the election was fraudulent in any way, then she can't reasonably claim that she actually finished ahead of Rep. Doug Collins in the special election. (Collins looks like a chump for conceding to her.)

During Trump's prank phone call with Raffensperger, he claimed that “they" had hacked ballot scanning devices, which Sterling explained is hard to do without modems. Trump also insisted that people were replacing parts in Dominion voting machines. This is so dumb Sterling wasn't even sure what he meant.

And yes, Sterling had to also refute President Coup-Coup's accusation that Raffensperger has a brother named “Ron" who works for the Chinese. None of Raffensperger's brothers work for the Chinese or are named “Ron," not even his sisters.

STERLING: This is all obviously, easily, provably false. Yet the president persists and, by doing so, undermines Georgians' faith in the election system, especially Republican Georgians in this case, which is important because we have a big election coming up tomorrow, and everybody deserves to have their vote counted if they want it to be.

But the whole point is that Trump wants to undermine faith in the election system. As reported in the Daily Beast, he sees no downside in torching democracy:

"The way he sees it is: Why should I ever let this go?… How would that benefit me?" said one of the sources, who's spoken to Trump at length about the post-election activities to nullify his Democratic opponent's decisive victory.

Sterling's family has received death threats. Raffensperger and his wife received death threats. This is all because of Trump's petty, vindictive lies, and it likely won't even end after Biden's sworn into office. It just might get worse. Good morning!

[The New York Times / The Daily Beast]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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