Ain't no party like a Kasich party

Everybody pull out your glitter guns and your streamers, because John Kasich The Moderate Huggy Cuddlebear wants to throw a party for all the kids! And since he's pretty sure he's going to be crowned Prince Of Republicans at the GOP Convention anyway, why not just have it there?

We're gonna have an open convention ... and it's going to be so much fun! Kids will spend less time focusing on Bieber and Kardashian and more time focusing on how we elect presidents. It will be so cool.

Is ... that what this is all about? Are the kids really going to stop Snapsexting each other pictures of Justin Bieber's peen, because UH OH WHO LET THE DOGS OUT AND HEY MACARENA, DJ John Funtimes Kasich The Hilarious Republican Clown is in town?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Is he going to lead activities for the children??? Like, will everybody get construction paper and glue and glitter and get to make pictures about how John Kasich is stealing Donald Trump's rightful crown as King Of The Morons, by continuing to run for president?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Will he serenade them with Clownsong about how it doesn't even matter if you don't have the votes or the delegates to get the Republican nomination, because "everything is mathematically," and mathematically is stupid?

Will he teach them how to make papier-mâché representations of how everybody thinks John Kasich is sooooo sweet and moderate, but in reality he's kind of a fucking dick?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Will he let all the girl children sit in his lap and make HONK-HONKS on his clown nose, while he tells them jokes about how one day, maybe when they are full-grown ladies, they also too might get to drop whatever pies they are baking while barefoot and pregnant, to go vote for such a kindhearted moderate clown-man as John Kasich?

And since he has requested that the coup that takes the nomination away from the Donald Trump guy be PEACEFUL above all, will a million John Kasichs hilariously get out of a Beetle Bug in single file order, to show the children that you can Make America Great Again while still retaining your sense of polite decorum?

Will there be sugary snacks? Balloon animals? Pizza? An age-appropriate stripper? ALL THE QUESTIONS.

We think pizza is probably necessary, at the very least.

[The Hill]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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