Glenn Beck Logic Time: Creationists Are Galileo, And Bill Nye, 'Science' Guy, Is The Catholic Church Inquisitioning Them
Glenn Beck, what is up with you? You pass into seeming irrelevance, and then alla sudden, you are getting an amazeballs amount of attention. Within a few hours of our story yesterday about how you feltkinda-sorta sorry that you divided America with all your divisiveness, we also learned that you said that Bill Nye is oppressing creationists just like the Vatican silenced Galileo, and that Victoria Jackson has de-friended you because, ew, you like teh ghey, and then there was that weird thing where you said that demonic forces are the main reason your teevee network isn't being picked up by cable. You are one busy little guy! That flurry of activity is probably going to culminate in another prediction of a HUGE NEWS SCOOP that will peter out to nothing, huh?
And then the crying, always the crying, and then you'll go back to muttering about the plot to keep you down.
So let's start off today's Beck Manic Phase Roundup with a look at how he's going to stop all that tearing the country apart: On his teevee show Tuesday, he explained that Bill Nye's continued insistence that science classes should teach science is exactly like the Vatican's suppression of Galileo for espousing the Copernican model of the solar system. See, this is all about freedom, Beck said -- "you can’t force things on the people," and so government schools refusing to give equal time to creationists is totally repressive, and also just as terrible as Andrew Cuomo's attempt to force conservatives to leave New York. And in a few decades, when Creation Science finally disproves evolution, Nye is going to look just plain foolish:
Beck showed a clip of Nye saying,
"I say to the grownups, if you want to deny evolution and live in your world...that’s completely inconsistent with everything we observe in the universe, that’s fine, but don’t make your kids do it because we need them."
"How's he going to look, huh?" asked Beck. "Is he going to look … uh … like the people who threw Galileo out?" We're thinking that maybe, just maybe, the better question might be why Glenn Beck doesn't realize that, nearly 90 years after the Scopes "Monkey Trial," creationists have not advanced their own "science" any farther than insisting that Genesis is true because it just has to be, plus maybe if they call it "intelligent design" some people will buy it.
And what a nice place for a transition, because Biblical Inerrancy plays a role in our next bit of Glennmania: Wonkette frenemy Victoria Jackson has decided that she is very, VERY disappointed in Our Man From Salt Lake City, because -- have your smelling salts ready -- the Beckster has decided for the moment to be in favor of marriage equality. And now she understands why Beck and everyone associated with him have been "cold" to her, and "in some cases downright mean. It’s the gay thing!! So many divisions in the conservative movement!"
Poor VJack has been snubbed by Beck and his crew because they are all pro-gay, and because she "publicly stood up for Biblical principles, that’s all." And she has done some thinking on all this:
I guess Mormons don’t take the Holy Bible so seriously, because their main book is the Book of Mormon, which I suppose doesn’t mention that homosexuality is an abomination to the Lord.
Interesting. I finally know why Glenn Beck never answered my TV show pitch idea! He’s Bible-phobic!!
I’m just wondering, how Beck will feel when his child or grandchild comes home from kindergarten with the book, “Susie has Two Daddies.” This issue is not just about freedom. His child will believe homosexuality is normal and not a sin. So, I guess the Bible is a lie?
Wellll.... you said it, Vicki, not us.
Jackson then goes on to this completely logical conclusion:
(Also, won’t that mean the preaching of the Holy Bible will be considered “hate speech” and eventually made illegal? So…no freedom of religion? No freedom of speech?)
Yes. It absolutely means that -- if a thing is legal, then anyone preaching against that legal thing will be imprisoned. Just like all the racists have been sent to jail for their hate speech since the Civil Rights Act was passed and we made racism illegal.
And finally, we have this other Becknugget, which is his new theory about why cable companies haven't jumped at the chance to carry his crappy teevee network: Probably demons. He had a chat with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council the other day, and he told Perkins that it's really important for Bible-believing Christians (except for Victoria Jackson) to demand that their cable operators pick up Blaze TeeVee, since it's the only news source that's both "nonpartisan" and "Godly."
Also, Beck promises that The Blaze network will report that miracles are definitely real, in keeping with the best traditions of medieval journalism:
“I refuse to read on my own website or see on my own network the phrase, ‘Some believe this is a miracle.’ If we’re going to print it or we’re going to say it, it’s either a miracle or it’s not. I believe in miracles. Do we believe in miracles or not? As a company we do, as a nation we used to and if we’re going to survive, we must.”
Unfortunately, the quest to get picked up by cable providers is meeting resistance, and Beck thinks he knows why, telling Perkins, “You also have other forces at work that aren’t necessarily earthly forces that would like to see voices silenced.” It is not known whether this statement was followed by a crash of thunder and an unearthly disembodied laugh in the studio.
Also, Victoria Jackson had better get in touch with that Perkins fellow and let him know that Beck's gone soft on the gays. Can't possibly be good for business.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.