Glenn Beck Says Texas Flooded Because Rick Perry Is Just Too Darned Good At Prayin'

For a limited time only, we're going to agree with Glenn Beck, on a thing, and yes, we promise to never do it again. See, during a recent episode of the "show" he "broadcasts" on the interweb, from some basement somewhere, Beck and his buddies -- whom we assume he met at broken-brain rehab -- said it's indicted former Gov. Rick Perry's fault that Texas is all covered up with water, and more than two dozen people have died, with several more still missing. And you know what? We're OK with blaming all that death and destruction on Rick Perry, because fuck that guy right in his yee haw.


First, Beck's pals (names not important) have a good chuckle about what definitely did not cause the deadly flooding:

DUMBASS 1: The drought, which was blamed on global warming incessantly -- now all the rain is ALSO being blamed on global warming.

DUMBASS 2: As they've always said, no matter what happens.

Hardy har har, stupid global warming conspiracy theorists think science is a thing. But here's Head Dumbass Glenn Beck, preaching about how that rain really happened:

HEAD DUMBASS: I was up in the farm country, up in Idaho this last weekend, and it was a sloppy mess up there. And they had just, five weeks ago, they had a fast for rain because they were in a drought. And it started raining five weeks ago.

DUMBASS 1: That's interesting. Because if Rick Perry announces that he's running for president, which is expected of course -- he, in 2012 or 2011 I think it was, was praying for rain here. Will he get blamed for the success of the rain and the flooding?

We should interrupt ourselves to inform you that while this trio of dumbasses chuckled but good at the obviously UNPOSSIBLE explanation of global warming as a cause for droughts AND rain, they appear to be take this "fasting" and "praying" explanation pretty seriously, because that, unlike actual science, makes perfect sense.

HEAD DUMBASS: He started ending that drought with that fast. Remember that?

DUMBASS 2: I do remember that, yeah. And he was mocked for it anyway.

HEAD DUMBASS: He was mocked for it, and he went ahead and did it, and that was the beginning of the end of the drought. I mean, we started having rain right after that. And this state was a desert.

So in April 2011, Gov. Perry officially proclaimed the Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas, and voila! A mere four years later, God got right on that, cried all his heavenly tears across the state (unless he was crying about the gays? they cause weather too sometimes) and drowned some people. It's a miracle!

All right, you got us, we do not really agree with Glenn 'n' Friends, because holy shit, that is a special kind of stupid that burns so hot, it could melt polar ice caps. But we definitely encourage Perry to run for president again, PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE, because we think he could win if he pinky-swears that he will save America the same way he saved Texas, by drowning it with his prayers, amen.



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