Hi! I'm Glenn Youngkin And I Have Tips On Beauty Routines And Discriminating Against Trans Kids

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Hi! I'm Glenn Youngkin And I Have Tips On Beauty Routines And Discriminating Against Trans Kids
Photo: Glenn Youngkin on Flickr (cropped), Creative Commons license 2.0

Hi folks! Glenn Youngkin here. Give me just a minute while I iron my face.

Well, if you can think of an easier way to rid yourself of unsightly wrinkles, you go ahead and let me know.

AHHHH GOD, that is some searing pain! But I still maintain my youthful good looks and I don’t have to fly around the country laying the groundwork for a presidential campaign looking like a lobotomized Shar-Pei.

A lobotomized ferret? Okay, but I still don’t have wrinkles, right? I’ll take that trade.

Listen, it is stressful being your old buddy, the fabulously, indecently wealthy and privileged Glenn Youngkin. I get up early in the morning in the Governor’s Mansion, I iron my face, I give my hair just the right boyish styling, I spend a couple of hours trying on different fleece vests until I find the one that says “I’m just like you, a hard-working, nonthreatening suburban dad who likes to spend his weekends going to church and buying patio furniture with the wife and taking his kids paddling on the river in the old canoe!”

Of course, the difference between you and me is that I probably own the river.

Can you still see a wrinkle in my forehead? You can? Shoot. Let me try setting this damn iron on Linen.

So after I finish with the ironing, I’ll head downstairs to the office and spend a few hours with my staff brainstorming ways we can make transgender children utterly miserable. Make them get written permission from their parents to even be transgender? Sure. Make their teachers out them? Sounds great! Pass an executive order ordering transgender kids to go to their rooms and think about how hard their choices are on the rest of us who have stone in our hearts and plague rats in our brain, and telling the kids to not come out of their rooms until they’ve changed their minds? Not yet, but I’m thinking about it!

Then I’ll have lunch.

What does Glenn Youngkin eat for lunch? Cottage cheese, and lots of it! I love cottage cheese. I practically bathe in the stuff. Actually I have bathed in it, how do you think my skin maintains this youthful glow? But not often, it clogs up the jets in the hot tub.

Fruit? How dare you. I am a happily married, heterosexual — oh, eat it with the cottage cheese? Lord no. No flavoring! I’m not ethnic.

Where was I? Oh, right, the children. Look, I built my campaign on parents’ rights to keep their kids from having to sit next to a boy who thinks he’s a girl or whatever, or learn that racism and homosexuality exist, and I am not going to back down. I don’t care if our schools seem to be doing pretty well by the academic standards set by the last administration in consultation with the country’s Department of Education. I ran on painting our schools as flailing hellscapes not unlike that Simpsons episode where all the teachers at the elementary school become cannibals, and I stand by it.

What’s that? What do I think of the rights of parents of transgender children who are supportive of their choices and in fact want their kids to attend schools with teachers and administrators who will support and nurture them in the same safe and nurturing environment that all parents hope their children can have?

I think what you are describing is socialism, and I will not allow socialism in Virginia’s schools.

Linen’s not getting the job done here. But it’s like the hottest setting! I guess I could try steam only and see what happens.

Oof! Ever blast yourself with a faceful of steam? It’s wild. Here, let me blast it in your face. Hold still.

See? What did I tell you? You look younger already. It’s totally worth the blistering.

Afternoons I’m usually busy packing to fly off to stump for every rightwing lunatic running for higher office in the country. Paul LePage, the guy with the history of brutally racist comments? Love him. Don’t let my quiet denunciation of his racism after I had come back to Virginia fool you.

Kari Lake? Oh, she’s great so long as you ignore literally everything about her, which I can do. I want to win Arizona in 2024 or 2028 at the latest.

Tudor Dixon? If she’s what the people want! Especially the people in a swing state!

Derek Schmidt out in Kansas? Great guy! Wants his state to be just like Florida under Ron DeSantis! Hey, if he wants to dehumanize gay people or charter planes to pick up asylum-seeking migrants in another state and drop them off at, like, Steven Spielberg's house in the Hamptons, who am I to judge.

Oh sure, the voters in my state are going to whine that I seem to be spending more time out of it raising my national profile than I do in it doing anything useful. But I didn’t do anything useful before I became a politician either. I was just a private equity vulture raking in obscene amounts of money. And look at how that turned out.

Virginia should be thankful to have me! Has it ever even produced a president of the United States before?

Oh. Eight of them, huh? Okay, but I bet none of them was as young and boyish! Did George Washington even have an iron to get the wrinkles out of his face? No? Game, set, match, Youngkin!

[Washington Post]

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