God Gives Lady Gift Of Prophecy To Save The World, Predict How Movies End
Spoiler alert: These people are insufferable.
In a recent video (sadly not embeddable), self-proclaimed Christian "prophets" Rebecca Greenwood and traditional straight-married couple Cindy and Mike Jacobs compared notes on how exactly their God-given gifts of prophecy work. It was pretty impressive, and we had no idea how trying the work of prophecy could be!
Greenwood said one of the first manifestations of her prophetic gift was her childhood prediction that "killer bees" from Africa would someday invade the United States, which really is something, considering she appears to be in her 40s and that Africanized honeybees were introduced to South America in the late 1950s -- there were several terrible "killer bee" movies in the mid 1970s. AMAZING! John Belushi was apparently a prophet, too!
In addition, God has given her the ability to see the plots of movies before they actually play out, which is certainly a nice gift and very useful:
And I’m really good at going to movies. And I didn’t know why. And lots of times, we could be sitting, watching a movie, and I’d look at Greg even before I understood I was a prophet, and I’m like, ‘This is gonna happen. This is gonna happen. This is gonna be the outcome,” she explained. “And lots of times, he would tell me, ‘Don’t tell me what’s gonna happen at the movie. If you understand before it’s happening, I don’t wanna know before it happens’.”
We've had the same experience ourselves, usually with some asshole a couple rows back. It almost makes you wonder why she even bothers going to see movies at all, since God has already gifted her with knowing how they end, doesn't it?
Ms. Jacobs, who believes she saved Ronald Reagan's life by preventing an assassination attempt through prayer -- not the actual time Reagan was shot, mind you, but a time that we've never heard of because, duh, it was prevented by her prayer -- was a bit disappointed that her gift of prophecy doesn't help her with Dollar Movie Night, but her husband Mike is pretty good at it:
“You know, my gift doesn’t work like that at movies, and I don’t go to that many, but Mike’s does. And I hate that! I go, ‘Now, I do not wanna know the outcome,’ you know, I deal with nations…”
“And that’s not prophetic with me,” Mike Jacobs said over her.
Cindy Jacobs then replied, “Oh, he doesn’t know. He’s very prophetic.”
The three "prophets" went on to talk about how tiring God's gift can be, but, if viewers have the stamina for it, how they too can develop their own prophecy skills. They also offered advice to some vaguely described viewers like "Tina," "a pastor in Alabama" and "a church in Albania," all of whom needed encouragement to believe in their prophetic visions. They also cautioned a psychiatrist who was watching that he should not consider his client's prophetic visions a sign of mental illness that needed medication, but rather, as a gift to embrace. So there's a terrific incentive for some idiot to go off their meds, hooray.
The program ended with an appeal for donations, because for all the help God gives them with being able to know in advance that Rosebud was really a chick who was dead all along, He has not seen fit to give them any advance notion of what stocks they should invest in, so it's really important for you to shell out to keep their important ministry going. Won't you please help? Bless you.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.