Good Christian Fame Whores Having Another Baby! Unless They're Lying.
Because LAST TIME they reported a pregnancy, they found out in the usual way: Sam waited and waited for his wife to forget to flush, so he could yell "MY PRECIOUS!!!" while he scooped her pee out the potty, and then tested to see if his magic sperms had found purchase in Nia's egg, and HOORAY, she was pregnant! (According to them.) And then, sadface, they had a miscarriage. (Reportedly.)
Let's check out their new pregnancy announcement, as they joyfully report the alleged fruits of their barebacking. As the video opens, Sam is putting a bun in the oven, because GET IT? Sam's arm represents his very Good Looking penis, and the bun represents a babby, and the oven represents Nia's wherevers.
Then they show their mothers the "bun in the oven" and everybody is like "You are A Idiot," so they have to change tactics. Maybe there is ANOTHER clever way they can tell the family they are either pregnant for actual, or staging a publicity stunt for YouTube.
So they send their young daughter Symphony through the house with a basket following a trail of baby paraphernalia, what she must put in the basket, and oh just kidding, Nia's mom figured out the bun in the oven thing and made this face:
And then Sam's mom figured it out and went like this:
And then little Symphony found out and they all lived happily ever after.
So, um, listen, alleged fetus. Your parents are morons. On top of the whole thing about how your dad gets excited when your mom leaves pee in the chamber pot for him so he can test it for pregnancy, their "job," such as it is, is putting these stupid videos on YouTube, for to be watched by an online horde of evangelical Christian dickjobs. In the real world, that is not a "job."
Your dad, despite his obvious Christian moral superiority, was also one of the losers with an Ashley Madison account, so he could fantasize about cheating on your mom, even though he was probably just exchanging sex booby pictures with Josh Duggar while he whacked it. According to your dad, Jesus forgave him for this long ago, so no biggie.
Oh, and then your mommy and daddy went to the Vlogger Fair, whereupon other family bloggers made fun of them for how they whored out the alleged miscarriage on YouTube, which led to a dark period where they couldn't BEAR to go to work (at "YouTube videos") for over a month.
And then just three weeks ago, they said they would only come back to "work" when The Lord said it was time to announce another pregnancy (you, dear fetus!) that may or may not be real.
So, if this is a real pregnancy, good luck, currently forming babby! You will need it. If it is not, then fuck you, Sam and Nia, you are very gross and also very good looking.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.