Bible lessons

Listen, sisters in Christ, we need to talk. Have you thought about, if you were to die right this second, where you would spend eternity? Will you get to sit in Jesus's lap while He tells you all the hilarious secret stories from the 30 or so years of His life that are missing from the Bible? We bet he got in some T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Well, Jesus regrets that you are not going to get to do that, because of the bedazzled love dildo you have sticking out of your lady front hole right now.

What? You didn't know? Pfffft, sounds like somebody's been spending too much time lighting candles, turning on Sade's greatest hits, and bone-zoning her own clam in the privacy of her boudoir, instead of on her knees in front of Jesus. No, not like that, you perverts!

Fuck, we'll just let Mack Major, some sort of Christian author and publisher or something, explain the things on Facebook:

Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate. Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It's one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.

Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There's nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.

Whoa. If. True. First off, we'd like this dildo-hater to SHOW HIS WORK. Show me the ladies whose names were written in the Book Of Life, but then God crossed their names out in lady jizz because of what a mess those ladies just made all over His Kingdom, with their lady jizz.

There's an attached blog post, which tells the story of Dildos Of Ancient History, and explains that there is a religious organization among queersexuals called the Church Of Priapus, where everybody is gay and has orgies as part of a worship service. Mack Major says these churches are VERY popular, and just because you've never seen one doesn't mean Mack Major hasn't spent a lot of time "researching" them.

He also explains that Ancient Prehistoric Dildos were nice and big, which means ladies stuffed them in their woo woo chambers so that "the spirit of the gods would empower them ... to have better crops, more fruitful cattle, and make them more personally fertile." Who knew that in Olden Timey Days, ladies used dildos to enhance their cows? We did not know that.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]This history lesson changes everything. If any of those Oregon militia ladies snucked off while they were occupying that wildlife refuge, to test out the glowing penis rods America sent them in the mail, they are going to hell now after they are done with jail.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]That Texas town where women are only allowed to have six dildos apiece? Well they're going to hell SIX TIMES, because they should obviously have NO DILDOS.

Remember that Krystal Ball lady who ran for Congress as a Democrat and then was later on MSNBC for a while? Well, she sucked a reindeer dildo that was on her husband's face, so it's a shame about what's going to happen to her soul for all eternity.

Oh! And don't even get us started on the "rightful owner" of Grandma's Terror Dildo From Utah, which we told you about last week.

Anyway, ladies, Wonkette hopes you are listening, because we'd really like you to get to go to heaven with us and Jesus. Gay men, this message is not for you, as you were already going to hell no matter what, full stop, do not pass go. So you just feel free to keep ramming your man spots as much as you want.

[EdenDecoded Facebook / Eden Decoded via RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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