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Bible lessons


Listen, sisters in Christ, we need to talk. Have you thought about, if you were to die right this second, where you would spend eternity? Will you get to sit in Jesus's lap while He tells you all the hilarious secret stories from the 30 or so years of His life that are missing from the Bible? We bet he got in some T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Well, Jesus regrets that you are not going to get to do that, because of the bedazzled love dildo you have sticking out of your lady front hole right now.

What? You didn't know? Pfffft, sounds like somebody's been spending too much time lighting candles, turning on Sade's greatest hits, and bone-zoning her own clam in the privacy of her boudoir, instead of on her knees in front of Jesus. No, not like that, you perverts!

Fuck, we'll just let Mack Major, some sort of Christian author and publisher or something, explain the things on Facebook:

Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate. Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It's one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.

Masturbation is a direct path to Satan. There's nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so.

Whoa. If. True. First off, we'd like this dildo-hater to SHOW HIS WORK. Show me the ladies whose names were written in the Book Of Life, but then God crossed their names out in lady jizz because of what a mess those ladies just made all over His Kingdom, with their lady jizz.

There's an attached blog post, which tells the story of Dildos Of Ancient History, and explains that there is a religious organization among queersexuals called the Church Of Priapus, where everybody is gay and has orgies as part of a worship service. Mack Major says these churches are VERY popular, and just because you've never seen one doesn't mean Mack Major hasn't spent a lot of time "researching" them.

He also explains that Ancient Prehistoric Dildos were nice and big, which means ladies stuffed them in their woo woo chambers so that "the spirit of the gods would empower them ... to have better crops, more fruitful cattle, and make them more personally fertile." Who knew that in Olden Timey Days, ladies used dildos to enhance their cows? We did not know that.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597848/oregon-militia-dongweasels-too-good-for-free-dildos-we-guess"></a>[/wonkbar]This history lesson changes everything. If any of those Oregon militia ladies snucked off while they were occupying that wildlife refuge, to test out the glowing penis rods America sent them in the mail, they are going to hell now after they are done with jail.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/575257/florida-congress-man-texas-is-so-crazy-you-cant-even-have-all-the-dildos"></a>[/wonkbar]That Texas town where women are only allowed to have six dildos apiece? Well they're going to hell SIX TIMES, because they should obviously have NO DILDOS.

Remember that Krystal Ball lady who ran for Congress as a Democrat and then was later on MSNBC for a while? Well, she sucked a reindeer dildo that was on her husband's face, so it's a shame about what's going to happen to her soul for all eternity.

Oh! And don't even get us started on the "rightful owner" of Grandma's Terror Dildo From Utah, which we told you about last week.

Anyway, ladies, Wonkette hopes you are listening, because we'd really like you to get to go to heaven with us and Jesus. Gay men, this message is not for you, as you were already going to hell no matter what, full stop, do not pass go. So you just feel free to keep ramming your man spots as much as you want.

[EdenDecoded Facebook / Eden Decoded via RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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