Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates' Hidey-Holes
It's very tough to be a "family values" conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay "marriage." Laura Bush thinks it's okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin' bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they're hiding:
Tired of being duped by conservative-sounding Republican presidential candidates who secretly harbored support for gay marriage, abortion and other socially liberal issues, evangelical pastors plan to investigate the backgrounds of White House hopefuls and their top aides.
"Personnel is policy," said David Lane, whose American Renewal Project is working with 100,000 pastors to push 80 million evangelicals and 40 million Catholics who typically don't vote to the polls in 2016 to elect a conservative Republican.
Lane is already reportedly very mad about Jeb Bush having an aide who is a Known Gay who loves activist judges, like the one who forced all of California into accepting gay marriage, in their throats. and he wants to know what all the candidates' wives think too, because ladies have a well-known liberal bias. Lane sent a memo to his top 100,000 pastor buddies saying that "[t]he challenge facing faith-grounded conservatives in 2016 is that candidates, and all those surrounding them, staff and family members, say one thing during the campaign, but then govern in the exact opposite manner once in office." Awww boo boo, it's almost like they pander to them for votes but don't actually give two fucks about their issues once they're in office. Keep thinking about it, Mr. Lane, you'll get there!
Lane says he isn't anti-gay though! Don't accuse him of anything like that. He just wants to make sure that the 2016 GOP nominee is an unelectable buffoon who hates gays, that's all. And in a way, we would be okay with that, because sorry dude, but America is just fine with the gay marriage these days, and also they do not care about your dumb "religious freedom."
Lane, who used to "stay drunk all night and sell Bibles all day" when he was in college -- such a common story! -- has managed to become very influential with the most wingnutty of the GOP clown car occupants, taking them on sexy nicetime trips to Israel and introducing them to his Jesus friends at his Pastors And Pews events, which sound super fun. The New York Times reports on one such event in March:
One afternoon last week, David Lane watched from the sidelines as a roomful of Iowa evangelical pastors applauded a defense of religious liberty by Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. That night, he gazed out from the stage as the pastors surrounded Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana in a prayer circle.
Aww, that's nice! Cruz says that Lane is "a good friend," and Jindal says he's "a great friend," the suck-up. But they're gonna have to be investigated too, just to make sure that there are no homosexuals hiding in their underbrush OR their undercarriages! Wonkette is very much looking forward to what he finds! Does Rand Paul have a gay poolboy? Does Ted Cruz's dad ever search "Benjamin Netanyahu naked" on the Googles? IS LINDSEY GRAHAM HIDING ANYTHING POSSIBLY MAYBE?
We will anxiously await Lane's discoveries, and write about them with giddy hearts and boners.