Good News, Everyone! Trump Not Actually President

Do you wake up in the night sweating because of how everything is terrible and frightening in Donald Trump's America? Every time Trump opens his mouth, do you legitimately worry that he's not "all there"? Are you pretty sure he's a literal actual intelligence asset of the Russians, because you are a grown-up capable of looking at the evidence and coming to that very obvious conclusion, unlike a common Glenn Greenwald or QAnon true believer?

Well, BuzzFeed has some news for you, and it is that Donald Trump isn't even president! Yes, it's true! No, it is not true and we are exaggerating! But it's purty goddamn funny, in that "America is going to shit" kind of way!

Travel back one million years (in Trump time) to June, just after the G7 in Canada. At the end of the summit, all the leaders (who are our allies) signed a joint communiqué, like they do, reaffirming their common values and goals. Totally routine! But then Trump got on the plane and Justin Trudeau hurt his feelings by texting him a picture of his much larger yet tenderly beautiful hands doing a news conference saying Trump's tariffs are full of shit and that Canada's not gonna be bullied by Trump. In response, like a totally normal leader of the free world, Trump got on Twitter and said, "No communiqué! No communiqué! You are the communiqué!" thus effectively declaring that he was UN-SIGNING IT.

And in response, the Trump administration did ... jackshit, according to BuzzFeed's sources. Which means Trump hasn't actually un-signed the thing!

"The White House and State Dept. are actively ignoring the tweets of the president," one of the sources said.

"It's like there's a reality TV president, in his own bubble, thinking he controls stuff. It's like The Truman Show."


Rachel Maddow often says the best way to cover the Trump administration is to look at it as a silent movie, paying attention to only what they do, and ignoring what they say as much as possible. Turns out Trump's government may not even be watching the silent movie!

And besides, is Twitter a thing, or is it bullshit?

Trump's tweet, the source explained, wasn't sufficient to pull out of the communique itself because "the G7 has a suite of diplomatic tools for communications, and Twitter isn't one of them."

Sorry, President Rage Emoji! If you'd like to create policy, there are proper ways ... oh fuck it, the president's lazy ass doesn't want to create policy or do any sort of actual work. He wants to scream about MS-13 and the fake news while people who seldom bathe stomp their feet and clap their hands for him at his rallies. He did it last night! Then he went to his Bedminster resort in New Jersey, because if it's Friday, that means it's already the president's weekend, TGIF!!!!!!

This is far from the first time this has happened. BuzzFeed reminds us of Trump's sudden and apparently unplanned Twitter ban on transgender troops, which also somehow didn't go into effect because TWITTER IS NOT WHERE YOU SAY PRESIDENTIAL ORDERS. Remember how well that went for Trump? Remember how his generals dragged their feet like, "Um, yeah, let's see if we actually get something from the White House, and by SOMETHING, we mean NOT A TWEET, DIPSHIT"?

And seemingly, there are examples of this just from this news week. On Wednesday, during his epic Twitter meltdown, Trump tweeted that his attorney general Jeff Sessions "should" fire Robert Mueller and end the NO COLLUSION RUSSIA HOAX WITCH HUNT. In any normal world, that might be viewed as a presidential directive, but did Sessions do anything? Nah. He straightened up his little elfin spine and ignored it, because he's busy hunting Mexican babies on the border or whatever.

Yesterday, during that insane White House press briefing, Trump's intel and law enforcement chiefs, including DNI Dan Coats, FBI Director Christopher Wray, and DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, stood up in a united front to declare that Russia is right now this very second going after our elections. Wray went as far as to say the FBI is fully prepared to retaliate against the Russians. We guess they didn't get the memo from down the hall about NO COLLUSION and RUSSIAN HOAX, or that actually the president is very much in love with Vladimir Putin and wishes to never punish him for anything ever.

Of course, the joke of this post (Wonkette is International Home Of Jokes!) is that yes, Donald Trump is actually the president of the United States, and he can do a lot of damage in that role, even if half his own appointees roll their eyes and go back to whatever they were doing every time he spews forth a missive from his shit-mouth. For instance, remember that time he met his KGB handler Putin in Helsinki without adult supervision and promised him God knows what? (Dan Coats admitted yesterday he still has no fucking clue.) Remember that time Trump stood in the Oval Office and jizzed code word level Israeli intelligence all over the Russian ambassador?

So, while this is all funny, and while it is nothing short of mindblowing that Trump's own people literally go around him in doing their work, America is still very much in danger and the traitor in the White House does have the nuclear codes.

Unless John Kelly has switched out Trump's nuclear football with a fake one that only orders Big Macs. That's actually possible.

Fewer than 100 days until the midterms, y'all!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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