Friends and lovers, we were really hoping to stay up late so we could all revel in the misery of Paul Manafort, criminal and Russian agent and campaign manager of the barely elected, compromised criminal president of the United States. We wanted to say THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GO TO PRISON!

And we can absolutely tell him to go to prison!

For ... 47 months?

Yeah, that is what happened. Paul Manafort just got a slap on the wrist and a swat on the fanny, y'all. After lying his ass off constantly and blowing his plea deal and generally being a fucking criminal his whole life, he got sentenced to an endless tickle party and those cakes we like. It's hard out there for a rich white foreign agent who used to run something called the "torturers' lobby."

Judge T.S. Ellis noted during the hearing, because he is cantankerous (crazy old Judge Grandpa!), and because he brought it up during the trial, that Manafort was not being sentenced today for NO COLLUSION, so don't you go thinking this is about NO COLLUSION, because NO COLLUSION. However, Ellis also noted that during the trial, he told Team Manafort to fuck off about how Mueller bringing this case was somehow improper or outside of Mueller's mandate of investigating Russo-Trumpian conspiracies and Russian election interference. His exact quote was "I concluded it was legitimate." But not that legitimate, we guess.

It's not like Manafort got brownie points for good behavior or anything. Manafort got ZERO CREDIT from Ellis for any sort of acceptance of responsibility for his crimes, perhaps because it's obvious even to a total idiot that he hasn't. Moreover, attorneys for the prosecution said please don't think of giving Manafort credit for the 50 WHOLE HOURS he spent talking to us during his time of so-called "cooperation," because remember how fucker spent a lot of that time telling lies?

Also, re: the hours Manafort was not lying to Mueller:

Such a useless fucking foreign agent.

Hey, did we mention Uncle Weirdo The Judge is CANTANKEROUS and totally gets off on having an audience while he's giving old Paul Manafort free handies?

Knock knock! (Who's there????) HUNG PICKPOCKET!

Before he was sentenced, Paul Manafort addressed Ellis to beg for mercy and shit, and whined about feeling "humiliated" and "ashamed," but reportedly he didn't quite get around to saying he was sorry. It was just a bunch of Poor Me horseshit, so Wonkette awards that one-thousand violent jerk-off motions and a "bless your heart." During sentencing, Ellis said, "I was surprised he did not express regret," but we guess he didn't really care if Manafort regretted anything or not.

If you want a fuller rundown of what happened in the courtroom, there's a Washington Post for that, but they don't include any dick jokes in their articles, so your choice.

After DC District Court Judge Amy Berman Jackson ruled that Manafort had very intentionally lied and blown up his cooperating agreement, special counsel Robert Mueller submitted his sentencing recommendations for Manafort in his EDVA case, wherein he agreed with sentencing guidelines that Manafort should receive between 235 and 293 months in prison (19 and a half to almost 24 and a half years), which for somebody like Manafort, who is Old Balls, meant he was likely to die in prison. (Also he has gout, and he went to court today wearing a green jail suit, riding in a wheelchair. Everybody be sad about Paul Manafort's gout and his green jail panties now!) Further, Mueller wrote that there were no mitigating factors that the court should take into account, because this guy here, Paul Manafort, is a piece of shit asshole career criminal, seriously, man, fuck that guy.

Manafort's lawyers, meanwhile, argued that NO COLLUSION, NO JAIL, and that Judge Ellis should take into account that Manafort has spent his life promoting democracy (factcheck no) and also that he contributes to his community by giving free blowjobs to endangered whales (factcheck weird).

Before he handed down his sentence, Judge Ellis seemed to agree with neither party completely, but did say he thought the sentencing guidelines were really far too high (but not as high as a HUNG PICKPOCKET!), and that aside from Manafort's LITERAL LIFE OF CRIME, he seems like he's led a pretty "blameless" life. So, you know, weep for poor Paul Manafort, who might not die in prison after all, at least not under Ellis's piss-poor concept of justice.

For a rebuttal to that bullshit, here's MSNBC contributor Barb McQuade:

And David Corn:


But whatever!

In his EDVA case, Manafort was tried on 18 counts and convicted on eight -- five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. He would've been convicted on all 18, except for how American juries often feature THAT ONE NUMBNUTS who just FUCKS IT ALL UP.

But whatever, let bygones be bygones, and by "bygones," we mean any hilarious notion we had that justice would be done in the Eastern District of Virginia in Judge T.S. Ellis's courtroom.

Manafort will be sentenced in DC on Tuesday, by Judge Amy Berman Jackson. Maybe she'll right this wrong.

Have your OPEN THREAD, finally. You've earned it.

[h/t Shimon Prokupecz and Rachel Weiner on Twitter, because THEY WUZ THERE!]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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