Google Did A Thing

• If corporate restructuring is your kind of kink, then ooooh yeah, baby, do we have some HAWT sexxxy news for you!

  Larry Page, co-founder and chief executive of Google, said in a blog post on Monday that he was creating a new company named Alphabet that he would run along with Sergey Brin, the other co-founder of Google. Alphabet is to act as a parent holding company, with several other companies operating under the structure, including Google, a company focused on [blah blah blah blah who cares WORDS].

  Basement-dweller Larry Page also dirty-blogged that you rich fuck investors will want to take note that your Google shares will now be called Alphabet shares, but don't worry, they're basically the same thing, and will "continue to trade on Nasdaq as GOOGL and GOOG." Please further note the "Kick Me, I'm A Dork" sign on his back:

  We liked the name Alphabet because it means a collection of letters that represent language, one of humanity's most important innovations, and is the core of how we index with Google search! We also like that it means alpha‑bet (Alpha is investment return above benchmark), which we strive for!

  Anyway, if you're one of those people who needs to get BREAKING! Nasdaq alerts on your iDevice, so you'll constantly know whether you are a bazillionaire or a mere middle-class millionaire, there ya go. For the rest of us poor suckers who don't play Monopoly for a living, just, like, carry on, or whatever.

•  Laura Ingalls is running for Congress:

  Actress Melissa Gilbert, best known for her portrayal of Laura Ingalls Wilder on NBC’s “Little House on the Prairie” in the 1970s and ‘80s, has announced her intent to run for Congress in Michigan’s 8th District -- though to do so, her campaign will be expected to put to rest questions about a tax bill.

  OK, pro tip, when you decide to run for office, best to make sure all your taxes are squared away. Ah, but she doesn't need pro tips from us because she's got office-holding experience. Sort of:

  Gilbert, 51, has not held political office before but was president of the Screen Actors Guild from 2001 to 2005, serving two terms. An actress and director, she is a native of California and moved to Howell in 2013 after marrying Busfield, who is a native of East Lansing.

• Was Shakespeare a stoner? Maybe!

  New correspondence published in the South African Journal of Science highlights how an analysis of residue found in early 17th-century tobacco pipes excavated in Stratford-upon-Avon, central England, found indications of cannabis and nicotine. The report, which was first published in 2001, said that several of the pipes came from Shakespeare's garden. [...]

  The report did not claim to have proof that the Bard smoked cannabis or even that the pipes found in his garden belonged to him.

  But author Professor Francis Thackeray, from the Evolutionary Studies Institute at University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa, still speculates that cannabis could have been a source of inspiration for the Bard.

  Also,excellentstonersplaining, CNN:

  If true, Shakespeare would join a long and illustrious list of writers from Byron to Hunter S. Thompson who have been inspired by drugs.

• According to our friends at Happy Nice Time People, nobody wants to buy Kim Kardashian's book about Kim Kardashian being Kim Kardashian:

  With photos of the reclusive Kim Kardashian so hard to come by, it’s easy to understand why reality TV’s most famous shrinking violet thought she’d be able squirrel away a buck or two for little North’s education with a 350-page hardback book of selfies calledSelfish.[...]

  Sadly for Kim, and reassuringly for humanity, a mere 32,000 people worldwide have purchased the book, which has a list price of $19.95 but is now being dumped by desperate retailers for $9.97 or less.

•  Newt Gingrich, 72, says Democrats are old.