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Best Jew Ever


We all of us know Republican presidential candidates are far more comfortable addressing Jesus-Americans -- what with our country being a Christian nation, for Christians only, especially in the Oval Office. But on Thursday, they explored their bicurosity about The Judeos, to talk Jew Talk to Republican Jewishes (you can fit all of 'em in one room; they call themselves the Republican Jewish Coalition, LOL), and to beg for their famously good-with-money Jew dollars.

It went ... poorly.

Donald Trump

Trump, who is practically a Jewish himself, what with his smokin' hot daughter Ivanka having converted, is a Big Fan o' The Jews, as we already know. He has previously declared that he is "not a fan of Hitler," but he is a fan of "little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day" counting his money for him.

Trump's performance was arguably the least awkward, receiving laughs and claps when he said "Israel" and "Jews" and "Obama sucks." He referred to his audience repeatedly as "you folks" and "you people" and praised you people's renowned negotiating skills (you know how cheapskate Jews don't pay retail, dontcha?), and he kept coming back to the topic of you people's money and how he doesn't want it and how the you folks in the room "stupidly" won't support him, even though he will be The Best at Making Israel Great Again. Stupid Jews.

Think Progress has his whole speech, if you're wondering how it feels to bleed out of your ears.

Ben Carson

The brilliant doctor's address to The Jewishes was, um, yeah:

He repeatedly botched the pronunciation of Palestinian Islamist movement Hamas, making it sound instead like the chickpea dish hummus — all while impugning President Barack Obama’s understanding of the Middle East. [...]

In his remarks, Mr. Carson delivered a lengthy history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, arguing that generations of skirmishes could have been avoided if the Palestinian Arabs had accepted a two-state partition of British Mandate Palestine after World War II.

That's right. Ben Carson, who described Israel's system of government as "complex" and suggested they just do it like how we do in America, with Republicans, Democrats, and independents -- and whose own advisers say they cannot shove any intelligence on foreign things into his brain, no matter how hard they try -- was giving a history lesson on Israel to a roomful of Jews. That's what our people call chutzpah. (Not choot-spa.)

John Kasich

The Ohio governor who suggested creating a new federal department of doing Crusades to foreigners, to teach them our "Judeo-Christian values," tried to charm the crowd of Judeos with a great story of Stereotypes His Mama Taught Him:

"My mother told me one time, she said, Johnny -- when I was a very young man -- she said, Johnny, if you want to look for a really good friend, get somebody who's Jewish," Kasich said. "And you know why she said that? She said, no matter what happens to you, your friend, your Jewish friend will stick by your side and fight right with you and stand by you."

Aw, what a nice story. We wonder if the "moderate" Republican will address one of them Log Cabin gatherings to tell them how his daddy said he should find himself a new gay to befriend, cuz you know how those people are so good at queer-eyeing straight guys.

Rick Santorum

The not-safe-for-work former senator of Pennsylvania said that some of his best friends in the Senate -- before the voters double-digit fired his ass, but for some reason, he always leaves that part out -- were Joe Lieberman. You know, Joe Lieberman, wink wink, the Jew one? Yeah, Rick Santorum isn't going to be getting the support of ... anyone. It's safe to assume that even that one Iowa supporter he had months ago, Peggy, has since abandoned him. And he probably won't win her back either by saying "Joe Lieberman."

Jim Gilmore

Did you guys know Jim Gilmore, some dude who used to be the governor of Virginia one time, is still running for president? Yeah, we didn't either. Here was Gilmore's pitch:

Last night, I was watching Schindler's List. Everybody here has seen Schindler's List.

Sure, of course. Jew movie about Jews. We all watched it together at Jew McJewstein's house. (Except for our Jew friend, the son of a Holocaust survivor. He is already well-versed in the Holocaust stories, on account of how his dad was a survivor of the Holocaust, in real life.) Joe Lieberman brought the latkes.

Anyway, that made him think about another movie about Jews, and all of that made him realize some true things about “our Jewish community,” and yeah, Jim Gilmore isn't going to be getting the Jew vote. Moving on!

Mike Huckabee

Of course he was there, touting his expertise on Israel, since except for believing there is but one true god and his name is Jebus, he's practically a Jewish himself:

Huckabee said he has traveled to Israel for more than 42 years and has been a tour guide for "literally thousands" of Americans who have visited the country with him. This was the proof he offered that he would actually deliver for Israel if elected president.

Whatever, you miserable sack of deep-fried squirrel farts. Nobody likes you, especially not Jews. Not even the Israel kind.

In Conclusion

There were some other candidates who said some other words, but the bottom line is that none of these people will be winning The Jew Vote, on account of how, as you all know, American Jews (all 20 and a half of us) are overwhelmingly liberal socialist gay-lovin' bortion-having union thugs who swoon for Democratic candidates. But now that the Republicans have checked off "ask for Jew money" from their list, they can all resume talkin' 'bout the War on Christmas and the War on Christians and how the First Amendment protects your right to pray to any Jesus you want, so long as it's Jesus.

[Think Progress / WSJ / HuffPo / CNN / The Hill]

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