GOP Congressdude Wants To Chop Off Elizabeth Warren's Balls


Know what's a Not Nice thing to say to a human lady who ain't got no boy testes? That you want to "neuter" her. It's not even scientifically accurate, #ScienceFact! But that's what some grass-chewing congressdick from Missouri named Blaine Leutkemeyer said about Sen. Badass McGhee of Massachusetts, otherwise known by her Christian name of Elizabeth Warren:

Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo.), a senior member of the House Financial Services Committee, said people needed to “find a way to neuter” Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), whom he called “the Darth Vader of the financial services world.” Rep. Ed Perlmutter (D-Colo.) rebuked the remarks: “His comments about Elizabeth Warren using the words 'neuter' and 'Darth Vader' are very misplaced because she speaks for a lot of people.’”

Teach the controversy! Some (Republicans) say let's weedwhack Liz Warren's giggleberries, whereas some (Democrats) say it's not nice to say "neuter" and "Darth Vader" because A) rude and 2) there are a lot of neutered Darth Vaders out there who will be very microaggressioned by these comments! We think that's what Congressman Perlmutter is saying, but we're loopy right now so WTF.

[contextly_sidebar id="oZLDyX9GmfRuOWRgyrCwuYOyKpax0j35"]Now we understand that Lizzie Warren is very mean and makes Republicans very uncomfortable in their own ballsacks, what with how every time she opens her mouth, she seems to lightsaber the boy-bags right off of people like Jamie Dimon. She LOVES to snip the coin purse right off Wall Street all the time, and by "coin purse" we are still making "that's what she said" jokes about testicles.

[contextly_sidebar id="2cDPDp5ZPtqTM3jo4OVund7QXqFdk0Rb"]Sometimes she's taking a machete to the low hangers of all the big moneyed corporate interests in Washington too! Other times she's walking up and down the hallways of the Senate office buildings slamming her hole punch together, maniacally yelling at Republican men who are being real big pussies about confirming Obama's SCOTUS nominee, that she is WELL AWARE that her itty-bitty hole punch is MORE THAN BIG ENOUGH to take care of their teeny franks 'n' beans, and that she's not afraid to use it.

We get it, Republicans. You scurred-a-her!

But she needs to clarify: she is not actually Darth Vader.

In a fundraising email titled, "I won't be neutered," Warren said, "The Force is not strong" with Luetkemeyer, who went after her at an American Bankers Association conference Wednesday.

Warren said she identifies more with Leia, “a senator and Resistance general who, unlike the guys, is never even remotely tempted by the dark side.”

Note well what she DID NOT say here! She did NOT say she doesn't have balls for the limpcock congressman to "neuter." She did not say her balls aren't WAAAAAAAYYYYYY bigger than his. She simply said she's a gooder person than he is and also, in her subtle way, that she is a very pretty girl who's fully capable of kicking his ass and giving him titty-twisters behind the gym after school every day for the rest of the school year.

[contextly_sidebar id="yfSM0wjBMynz7q8eZYTViOqFPCIS1iLf"]Also too, we have no idea where this splooge sock congressman gets off threatening to castrate people anyway. Everybody knows the only Republican in Washington remotely capable of castrating folks is Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst, because as we all know, Sen. Ernst likes to get her work done early every week so she can fly back to Iowa and cut the balls off of every Here Little Piggy Piggy she sees.

Maybe Joni could give Rep. Luetkemeyer a few Just The Tips on going after Sen. Warren! Nah just kidding, Liz would lop all their crown jewels off faster than you can say, "Into the garbage chute, flyboy!"

[Politico / more Politico]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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