GOP Missouri Gov. Will Protect Your God-Given Right To Shoot At Coronavirus, With Your Hidden Penis-Gun!

Wonkette is taking a "Get To Know A Stupid Dumbass GOP Governor" tour of America this week!

Today, let's visit with Missouri Governor Mike Parson, who just does not think he should tell the state's residents to stay at home and try not to die of coronavirus:

Republican Gov. Mike Parson said he was not inclined to "make a blanket policy," adding, "It's going to come down to individual responsibilities."

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take some individual responsibility! What, you cannot do the bootstraps thing because you are coughing too hard of coronavirus? Oh well, hopefully some healing will trickle down upon you! Mike Parson does not fuckin' care.

The Missouri State Medical Association has been pleading with Parson for a statewide stay-at-home order. The pediatricians have been pleading. The nurses have been pleading. The mayors of the large cities have been pleading. But no dice yet. (They're reviewin' it, though! Maybe he will announce one late this afternoon at his briefing?)

On Thursday, Governor Parson did issue an executive order related to coronavirus. He just wanted to make sure that if your concealed-carry permit expires during this harrowing time, you will not get a fine for failing to renew it in a timely manner.

And people say GOP governors ain't on top of this!

Take heart, Missouri! If you find some coronavirus lurking in your bushes, you can SHOOT AT IT, with your perfectly legal concealed gun!

Look, we appreciate that governors have a lot on their plates right now, as there are a lot of practicalities of life that might not come to mind unless you're dealing with them personally. For example, we were worried about our tags and license expiring next month, and were relieved when we found out Tennessee Governor Bill Lee had made some orders to extend those deadlines out. Know where we did not want to go in the middle of a pandemic? The DMV.

So if you are a concealed-carry gun owner in Missouri, we are glad you don't have to go renew your penis-gun license at the penis-gun licensing facility, and risk another penis-gun enthusiast doing coronavirus droplets in your mouth hole while you're waiting. We want you to stay alive, because really, we don't want to pry your penis-gun out of your cold, dead hands. Literally.

We also want you to stay the fuck at home, which is what Governor Parson should fucking want you to do, since a large part of Missouri is Ozark southern and rural and runs a particular risk of getting hitextra-hard by coronavirus. (The northern half of the state is midwestern and rural, which isn't much better. And then there's St. Louis and Kansas City.)

As of this second, there are 1,861 confirmed coronavirus cases in Missouri, with God knows how many undetected and unconfirmed. That's lower than many nearby states, but based on what we've seen so far, that just means they haven't been hit that hard yet, or their testing regime is really bullshit, or both.

The outbreak is coming, though, because the outbreak is coming everywhere it isn't already.

Sign the fucking order, Mike.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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