House GOP: Here Is A List Of Crimes We Covered Up That Democrats Might Wanna Vestigate


From the YEAH, NO SHIT DEPARTMENT, Axios is out with a hot scoop this morning, just leaked from the dyspeptic bowels of the Rayburn House Office Building.

Congressional Republicans are getting ready for hell. Axios has obtained a spreadsheet that's circulated through Republican circles on and off Capitol Hill — including at least one leadership office — that meticulously previews the investigations Democrats will likely launch if they flip the House.

Recently informed by pollsters that Americans hate GOP policies even more than they hate Hillary Clinton -- which is a whole fucking lot -- Republicans are descending into panic. What if their heroic gerrymandering efforts fail and voters are allowed to elect a House that actually represents them? Oh, noes!

Time for a course correction! Republicans will surely moderate their positions and try to put some distance between themselves and the maniac hurling his own feces at the walls on Pennsylvania Avenue. Or at least cut their losses and repudiate the two members of their own caucus currently under indictment. That should be an easy one, right?

LOLOLOL! We are silly on Mondays! Nope, Republicans are clinging to Trump like barnacles on the Titanic. Instead they'll motivate themselves with a memo titled OMG, Life Is Gonna Suck at the Bottom of the Ocean! (Allegedly.) TFW you realize that reflexively shouting THIS IS FINE while Donald Trump turned the federal bureaucracy over to a bunch of racist hacks has left a backlog of embarrassing investigations for Democrats to open should they retake the House in 2019. Oh dear.

So, what scabs might these dastardly Dems pick at with Elijah Cummings at the head of the House Oversight Committee and Adam Schiff holding the reins at HPSCI?

President Trump's tax returns

Trump family businesses — and whether they comply with the Constitution's emoluments clause, including the Chinese trademark grant to the Trump Organization

Trump's dealings with Russia, including the president's preparation for his meeting with Vladimir Putin

The payment to Stephanie Clifford — a.k.a. Stormy Daniels

James Comey's firing

Trump's firing of U.S. attorneys

Trump's proposed transgender ban for the military

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin's business dealings

White House staff's personal email use

Cabinet secretary travel, office expenses, and other misused perks

Discussion of classified information at Mar-a-Lago

Jared Kushner's ethics law compliance

Dismissal of members of the EPA board of scientific counselors

The travel ban

Family separation policy

Hurricane response in Puerto Rico

Election security and hacking attempts

White House security clearances

Is that the opening riff to Crazy Train we hear?

But Donald Trump knows why a whopping twenty-six Republicans are noping the hell out of Congress this cycle, and it's not because they don't fancy parking their asses in Bikini Bottom, thankyouverymuch!

I don't know if that's a great policy because we have a lot of chairmen that are leaving, and they're leaving because when you're the chairman of a big committee, you don't want to go back and just sit there and not be a chairman anymore. So, I don't know if that's a good policy. I guess it gets other people up there, but in the meantime, we have a lot of chairmen that have no choice but to leave.

AHAHAHAHA! All aboard, fuckers!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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