GOP Senators Don't Want All Those Imaginary People In DC Voting

GOP Senators Don't Want All Those Imaginary People In DC Voting

How does one determine whether or not a person is "real"? There's the old "I think, therefore I am" technique. There's poking. There's checking to see if they bleed or if they have computer panels in theirs back like Vicky from "Small Wonder," or if they're inflatable then they might have a little plastic thing you blow into. You could always check to make sure there isn't a person standing underneath them with their hand up the possibly unreal person's butt. Or to make sure they don't have strings attached to their arms and legs. You could pinch yourself to make sure you are not dreaming or hallucinating.

Unless you're a Republican, in which case you can tell whether or not a person is real simply by knowing their address. They've been quite clear about this for some time now. Real Americans (TM) live in rural areas, vote Republican, are Christian, and are into NASCAR, and everyone else is either imaginary or French.

There are a lot of imaginary/maybe French people in this country. In fact, just those living in non-Republican-majority areas alone (which is the first test) vastly outnumber those who do, and have for some time now. If we go by address alone, UnReal Americans currently outnumber Real Americans by 31 million.

That's a lot! And Republicans think we already have way too much voting power, and would like us to be more understanding of the fact that our voting power needs to be tempered to give as much advantage to Real Americans as possible. And that is why, yesterday, Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) and Steve Daines (R-Montana) held a press conference to explain why DC must not be a state.

Lindsey Graham explains opposition to DC

They explained that the push for DC statehood is just a power grab by Democrats, who want to nefariously take power from good states like South Carolina and Montana by letting the UnReal Americans of Washington DC have representation in Congress.

"This is not about voting," Senator Graham explained, "this is about altering the makeup of the House and the Senate." And the only way we can keep the House and the Senate the exact same is to not allow people to vote. Especially imaginary people. It just makes sense.

He then explained that, instead of keeping things the way Republicans want things, Democrats are always nefariously trying to do things the way they want to do things and "reshape America" into what they want it to be.

"From a South Carolina point of view, this is not a good deal for us. Being two of 50 is better than being two of 52," the noted math whiz explained, "This would dilute South Carolina's say in the United States Senate."

Well then! Why don't we just make it so only South Carolina can vote? Would that work for Sen. Graham? We wouldn't want to dilute their say, after all.

Sen. Steve Daines explained that a really good reason to oppose letting the people of Washington DC have the same representation as people who live elsewhere is that those people who live elsewhere don't want them to. And those people, unlike the people who live in Washington DC, are real people.

"If you get outside the Beltway and craziness here of Washington DC, the American people agree with us. Sometimes I think it's important for senators, congressmen, in fact, most the time, get out of this city, go out to where the real people are at across our country and ask them what they think."

So, just to be clear, it is important for senators, congresspeople, etc., to get out of DC and see the real people across the country, but it is not important for them to pick up on the fact that there are people living in DC other than them. Unless they think the people who make their coffee in the morning or deliver their mail or have other regular jobs that regular people have in a regular city are all robots? But also it's okay for those senators, congresspeople, etc., to vote in their own home states?

Wait. Maybe it's because Washington DC is 49 percent black and "they don't see color"? Maybe that's why they don't think "real people" live there?

They're not really explicitly clear on who it is in Washington DC that is undeserving of the the same representation as every other citizen of the United States (except the citizens of the United States who live in Puerto Rico). Clearly, they think they, the senators and congresspeople, should be able to vote for their own representatives or their own selves in their home states, but they don't think that the regular people who live and work in DC should be able to have that, because of how they wouldn't vote the way Lindsey Graham and Steve Daines would vote?

All we can be sure of is that the only fair way to do anything is to make sure that Republicans always have an outsize influence on American politics, even if that means some people won't get to have their votes counted or be represented in the halls of government.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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