GOP Senators Gonna Dick-Slap The Hell Outta Trump If He Fires Jeff Sessions

the face that launched a thousand ships

It is day nine or sixteen or eleventy of Jeff Sessions Death Watch! Will Trump YOU'RE FIRED him and make him pack up his whittlin' tools and the livestock pets who slumber atop his hobbit feet and force him to go back to Alabammy, so Trump can get closer to firing special counsel Robert Mueller for the crime of doing the Trump-Russia investigation he was hired to do? Well, who knows! Last we checked in, the two men weren't talking (they still aren't) and Trump was really enjoying doing BDSM to the racist leprechaun on Twitter. House Speaker Paul Ryan, asked to express his feelings about Trump doing Night of the Long Knives to everybody, was like, "I am a pussy, don't make me say stuff." Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham was like, "I do declare, that might be impolite!" Meanwhile, wingnut propaganda machines like Dead Breitbart and Rush Limbaugh have been openly shitting on Trump for even considering firing their cuddly bigoted elf from Alabama.

Well, now Republicans and the dingbat lawyers surrounding Trump seem to be speaking a little bit more loudly! The Washington Postpublished a piece Wednesday night reporting that even Trump's lawyers are up his ass telling him to cool his fucking jets about firing Sessions and Mueller. Is he listening? Hahahaha, Dunning-Kruger Effect on line one:

Several lawyers around Trump have been urging the president to stop his saber-rattling against Sessions and Mueller ...

... [S]everal lawyers have told Trump that his comments send a signal to Mueller that the president is trying to shut down or curtail the probe, as though he does have something to hide.

Trump has largely shrugged off these concerns. “In his mind, he is his own best advocate, his own best lawyer,” one adviser said.

Oh, how we love it when Donald Trump is "his own best lawyer." He should probably just fire all his actual lawyers and fight this himself. Really. Do it for America, Donald!

Trump has been yammering and bellyaching about maybe wanting to recess appoint a replacement for Sessions, but Democrats will surely use parliamentary voodoo to make certain the Senate never officially goes into recess, because fuck you very much, President Shithead. (And apparently Republicans aren't keen on letting him do recess appointments either!) But what if Sessions resigns (still pretty unlikely, unless that changes in the next five minutes) and Trump tries to do a NORMAL appointment? Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley has made his thoughts on that known:

In other words, Donald Trump, DON'T START NO SHIT with Chuck Grassley, especially as regards possibly firing his buddy Jeff Sessions and trying to replace him, and if you do, Grassley is prepared to throw this Iowa State Fair Butter Cow AT YOUR FACE.

Senator Lindsey Graham is making tough GRRRR words today too! Graham was interviewed Thursday morning and said this:


If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Any effort to go after [Robert] Mueller could be the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency ...

OH YEAH? You gonna have that confirmed bachelor dick swingin' if these things actually come to pass? Wonkette surely hopes so, and we promise to say only the nicest things about Graham if he does.

OK, so we got Grassley and Graham. Anybody else pissed bro? Glad you asked! The Washington Posthas a thing about all the other pissed off Republicans. They're telling the White House to stand the fuck down and they're telling Jeff Sessions he is a very good boy who acted like just Jesus would've wanted when he recused himself from the Trump-Russia investigations.

According to WaPo, John Cornyn is pissed and Orrin Hatch is pissed, and even Mitch McConnell's turtle head is peeking out of its healthcare-murdering shell to squeak mild disapproval. Look at Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas:

Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan.), who was elected along with Sessions in 1996, became visibly angry when discussing Trump’s treatment of his former colleague. “It’s very difficult, it’s disconcerting, it’s inexplicable,” he said. “I don’t know why you have to tweet with regards to your feelings about people in your own Cabinet.”

Golly gee! All these Republicans talkin' shit about Trump and standing up for Sessions! Meanwhile, Republican senators are talkin' shit about Trump and standing up for transgender military folk (?!) and literally the ENTIRE CONGRESS (except for Moscow Rep. Dana Rohrabacher and a couple others) is slamming Trump into a locker and making him sign off on tough sanctions against Russia. It almost seems like, at heart, they FUCKING HATE HIM.

Maybe there's hope for America after all! WHOA IF TRUE.

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[Washington Post / ibid.]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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