It is of course a Science Fact that black people only voted for Barack Obama because he was black. This is why Alan Keyes and Allen West have also been president of America for several decades each, because all the black folks, even the dead voter fraud kind that mostly do not exist, turned out in droves to vote for them. Oh wait, that did not happen, we must have accidentally mainlined some WorldNetDaily this morning. But the GOP does tend to believe that black people blindly voted for Barack Obama. Well, once HE is out of the picture, Republicans sense an opportunity! Can they woo some black voters away in 2016, when the Kenyan Prince will be relegated to ex-boyfriend status?

Republicans believe the 2016 Democratic nominee will not be able to produce the spike in black turnout nor the increase in already-overwhelming black support that Obama enjoyed in his two victories.

Even a modest rise in black backing for the GOP could be critical in swing states, independent experts acknowledge.

“There is not going to be any massive increase,” said David Bositis, a researcher specializing in voting behavior who worked for many years for the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, a black-oriented think tank.

“But in many places it does not take a massive increase. You have states like Ohio and Florida where you only have to have a very modest switch to flip the state.”

So, who has the best shot, with the black voters? Well, The Hill points out that Rand Paul actually talks about things like prison reform and drug laws, that he acknowledges that we need to address problems like police brutality and militarization, and that he actually, um, is willing to talk about these things, TO black people even. And then there was that time that he reassured us that his utopian vision for America does NOT include slavery. Whew! Also, Rand Paul really, really, REALLY wants the black vote, therefore give it to him:

“If Republicans have a clue and do this and go out and ask every African-American for their vote, I think we can transform an election in one cycle,” the Kentuckian said in an interview with Politico last year, in which he also suggested that “fully a third of the African-American vote" is open to the GOP message.

But of course, there is that whole problem with how Rand Paul is bugfuckinsane on most other issues, so that won't work.

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WHAT ABOUT BEN CARSON? He is black, maybe he'll get the black vote automatically, just like what happened with Obama. Except that, sadface, black voters don't see it that way. If you'll remember the big GQ profile of Ben Carson, which your Wonkette reported on at the time, Carson is viewed as a hero in the black community for the work he has done with at-risk youth and the like, but they think his current politics are gross and bad:

[Carson's political] stances are painful for African-Americans like Ta-Nehisi Coates, one of America's most celebrated writers on race, who credits Carson with providing an example to young blacks. "I'll always be in debt to him for what he did, but in terms of who he is now, I don't quite understand that," Coates says. "It seems like Barack Obama is the exact sort of person he'd have wanted us to grow up to be." When I mentioned Coates's criticism to Carson, he betrayed no discomfort. "It doesn't surprise me," he said, "because people grow up and they listen to propaganda."

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In the same article, Carson is in Israel, trying to learn about complicated stuff like How Does A Parliament Work, and is bombarded by a group of black church ladies from the US of A. They know him from his worldwide renown as a doctor, and for his work in the black community. Will THEY vote for him?

As the rest of the church ladies continued to fawn over Carson, I asked Nadine Clarke, the group's leader, how she knew who he was. "I've known about him for years!" she exclaimed. I inquired if she was similarly enthused about Carson's new political career. I watched the smile vanish from her face, replaced by a look of worry, as if she now remembered some of the things Carson had said in the past two years. "He's a Republican?" she asked.

Uh huh, game over, Ben Carson, you don't get to be the new Obama. And those were pretty much the only GOP candidates we could think of who MIGHT have a shot in hell of getting black voters on their side. But you just keep practicing, GOP. One of these days the black community will embrace you with open arms, sure thing.

[The Hill]