Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon "Dr. Chaps" Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure -- he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right "oppressed Christian" cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don't show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere.

Let's just remember some of Assless Dr. Chaps's greatest hits, shall we?

  • He knows why animals turn gay: Gay demons leaking from gay humans.
  • He's said that allowing a transgender kid to use the locker rooms of her choice amounts to visual rape of other girls (and of course that demons are at work there, too).
  • He wants to exorcise the demons from atheist kids who objected to attending high school graduation in a church.
  • He has a real, practical solution to the problem of wedding photographers who are oppressed by antidiscrimination laws: if you're forced to take pictures of a homowedding, just let your customers know that you stamp the text of Romans 1:32 on the back of all your photos, to remind them that homosexxicans are "worthy of death." That should be a real hit with the straight couples, too!
  • He knows why the NSA is even a thing: Obama's possessed by demons, and he wants to watch us all the time.
  • He's warned that Sen. Al Franken "wants to require pedophilia in all public schools, in the form of mandatory pro-gay lectures to all public school children."
  • Did we mention the gay animal demons? Sure we did. But you may have missed it the first time.

And those are only the ones we've covered here at Wonkette! Somehow, we missed his brilliant explanation of why "Don't Ask Don't Tell" never should have been repealed: If you allow gays in the military, we'll never be able to win a war again because of all that buttsexxing: You see, soldiers will always be "taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels." That's just science, although we were somewhat disappointed that he didn't also consider the possibility that gay troops would also be accompanied into battle by their fierce Anal Combat Gerbils.

And now Gordon Klingenschmitt gets to make laws. What a country!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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