Government Conspiracy Force-Feeds America Unwanted Cheese (Lard)

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  • Midterm exit polls have shown that a majority of Americans identify as "obese fatsacks." But there are many millions of Other Americans who identify as "smug young professionals" -- these are the jerks who drink "low-fat vegan skim milk" so that they can stay healthy and smug. Obviously this is borderline treason, because it is your patriotic duty to drink eight glasses of Monsanto Growth Hormone every single day. (And you should also drink a warm glass of Bovine Cancer before you go to bed.) Yes, Yuppies have ruined America's cherished dairy/lard/growth hormone industries. This is why the USDA created a secret pro-milkfat organization called Dairy Management, so that the government can remind consumers that they need to put more fatty dairy products in their mouth-holes. Michelle Obama says that you should eat your vegetables and accept suspicious dried fruit "treats" from strangers, while the USDA is actively trying to give you a heart attack -- so whom should we trust? Also: "In its reports to Congress ... the Agriculture Department tallies Dairy Management’s successes in millions of pounds of cheese served." Ha ha, America is now officially on the Lard Standard. [NYT]

  • Vladimir Putin cruised around Russia in a NASCAR automobile for some sort of Russian reality teevee thing. [Business Week]


  • "Write-in" holds a 13,439-vote lead over Joe Miller, and Lisa Murkowski has already booked her Megabus to DC -- even though the write-in count doesn't start until Wednesday. [WaPo]

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