Government Shutdown Briefly Averted: LIVEBLOG of the War of the Hoohaws

Government Shutdown Briefly Averted: LIVEBLOG of the War of the Hoohaws

We're drowning in contradictory Twitters and Blogs and Wire Bulletins, so why not just cook up a Friday Night Fights liveblog and see what happens during the super-sexy Washington wrestling match featuring Old Bigot Toady on one side and Ineffective Milquetoast Punching Bag on the other. Hooray for the World of Sport! UPDATE: Reid and Boehner say they've made a deal, but not really, as they won't vote on the "details" until next week, when we will have another #shutdown fun-time.

10:46 PM -- The NYT guy says the deal is done, sort of:

@JohnJHarwood of thecaucus

From GOP source: $39-billion in cuts. Senate will hold separate up or down votes on Planned Parenthood and Obama health law funding.

10:48 PM -- Just a simple up/down vote on Obamacare and Abortion, nothing to get worked up about there!

10:49 PM -- And thanks to Wonkette operative "Brian C." for the awesome Lotto ticket shutdown notice. LOOK WHAT ALMOST HAPPENED, PEOPLE.

10:53 PM -- There are officially a billion trillion Twitter Tweets about this, right now. Slow down, nerds!

10:56 PM -- Reid says, "We have a deal."

10:59 PM -- Meaning, "I'm old and worthless and I want to go home, just like the rest of my dingbat colleagues on the Hill, so we will approve nothing really right now, but then say we avoided a shutdown, and actually vote on this next week."

11:00 PM -- This is called "passing the fetus."

11:01 PM -- Obama will soon come out of his hole, see the shadow of his moral weakness, and say there won't be a shutdown tonight so everybody go get high in a national park, for nature:

11:05 PM -- Hooray, Nobama says the Washington Monument will be open tomorrow. And Republicans will allow the giant condom to be put on the Washington Monumentas long as the monument is only inserted up the butt.

11:06 PM -- "I'll do whatever I'm told by anyone," Obama says. "I'm a centrist! I heart Reagan. Rising boat lifts all tides."

11:06 PM -- Haha he said "win the future." Gah.

11:07 PM -- No abortion cuts, $39 billion will be cut from something (food for starving babies), and supposedly $3 billion will be cut from the Defense Department. Nobody knows how the Pentagon will manage to pay for those five days of having stealth bombers kill goat farmers, but everybody is willing to make a teeny tiny sacrifice.

11:09 PM -- Good-bye Obama. Go to hell.

11:10 PM -- And that's it. CRISIS AVERTED. Everybody go cash their SSI check at the liquor store and enlist in the Navy or whatever.

11:11 PM -- This is what passes for Liberal Analysis in Washington:

Yeah you tell 'em, tiger.

11:30 PM -- So they're calling this half-assed deal a "bridge" to six days from now. A BRIDGE TO THE 21ST CENTURY.

11:32 PM -- B-b-b-ut, how does this deal specifically fuck over the poor people of D.C.? Because there's gotta be something in there to really fuck over the poor people in D.C. Anything? Oh right:

@samsteinhp: confirmed: inside the final bill is language preventing DC from using tax dollars for abortions / DC loses again!

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