Some 'Wells Tower' character -- if that even is his real name -- has apparently spent the last five months following Mitt Romney around Oklahoma and Michigan andauditioning for Wonkette. Herewith are some of the things that he has learned:

• Romney prefers to eat only the tops of muffins, the logic here being that during cooking the butter and unhealthful lipids have melted down into the base. Good idea.

• Romney's mother was a Hollywood hopeful until George Romney successfully pressured her to quash those hopes to make more time for whelping.

• Romney is partly named for Mormon scrillionaire J. Willard Marriott.

• Mitt was a mediocre student and a dismal athlete.

• I knew that Mitt had some relatives in Mexico. I did not know that they were the offspring of Mitt's great-grandfather Miles P. Romney, who fled to Mexico during the great polygamy crackdown following the Civil War. It was not Miles's idea but a direct order from church leaders, who thought it important that Miles live in a place where he could ball a full harem with impunity.

• Mitt has said this about polygamy: "I must admit, I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy." This is a failure of imagination. I can, in a split second, imagine lots of things more awful than polygamy. One, two, three, go! The Holocaust, guzzling a bucket of pus, a baboon fucking a human baby. I could quite easily go on but shall not.

• Detroit, where George ultimately moved, was once home to a polygamists' prison where Miles Romney would have been incarcerated if he'd been brought to justice for that scene he had going down Mexico way.

• Five was the number of Miles Romney's wives.

• Following the pus-and-baboon motif: An Arizona newspaper editor once described Miles Romney as "a mass of putrid pus and rotten goose pimples; a skunk with the face of a baboon, the character of a louse, the breath of a buzzard and the record of a perjurer and common drunkard," in addition to recommending his hanging.

• In college, Mitt kept a picture of his father on his desk, and even back in the day neither cussed nor drank.

• Mitt once did the moonwalk.

• In 2005, Romney rather cynically effaced his identity as a pro-choice, gay-friendly centrist and became a social conservative. One of the more appalling elements of the transformation: He reversed an earlier avowal that he hoped stem cells might cure Ann's multiple sclerosis.

Also? Evidence suggests Mitt dresses "to the left."


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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