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Slow your roll, Bill Barr! Don't want to blow that corruption wad in February and have nothing left for the rest of the year. Gotta save a little something for October when you'll need to announce a criminal indictment of whoever wins the Democratic nomination. Pace yourself, big guy!

Oh, it's funny — but not funny, haha — because it's true! This weekend, Donald Trump's BFF Lindsey Graham went on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan to brag that the Justice Department will be going after Joe Biden in earnest now that Republicans have put that pesky impeachment business to bed. After acknowledging that Rudy Giuliani's insane arglebargling about Joe Biden might well be Russian propaganda, he said that our esteemed Attorney General Barr has a special hotline set up for Rudy Giuliani to bring sexxxxy Biden dirt right up to the highest levels of the Justice Department for vetting. And Bill Barr just confirmed it at a press conference this morning.

Cool cool. Who better than a political appointee whom the president said on his PERFECT PERFECT READ THE TDSJU7R11PT PHONECALL would coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani, to ... coordinate the Biden smear with Rudy Giuliani from the comfort of his own desk inside the Justice Department? It's not like Barr tried three times to suppress the whistleblower complaint and then wasted whatever credibility the DOJ and Office of Legal Counsel had by insisting that congressional subpoenas were totally optional.

Oh, wait!


And this is completely different from the Steele Dossier, which Graham insists was Russian propaganda, because see HUNTER BIDEN.

BRENNAN: Can you clarify? You said you talked to Attorney General Barr--

GRAHAM: This morning.

BRENNAN: --this morning. Has the Department of Justice been ordered to investigate the Bidens?

GRAHAM: No. The Department of Justice is receiving information coming out of the Ukraine from Rudy--

BRENNAN: Already?

GRAHAM: --to see. He told me that they've created a process that Rudy could give information and they would see if it's verified. Rudy Giuliani is a well-known man. He's a crime fighter. He's loyal to the President. He's a good lawyer. But what I'm trying to say-- to the President and anybody else, that the Russians are still up to it. Deterrence is not working. So, let's look at Hunter Biden's conflict. Let's look at Joe Biden. Vice President Biden, what did you do when they told you your son was on Burisma's board? It undercuts your ability to fight corruption. Did you take it seriously? Obviously he didn't.

Holy facts not in evidence, Batman! Rudy Giuliani is currently taking cash from a Venezuelan suspected of massive money laundering, he's been hanging around with associates of Dmitry Firtash, the Ukrainian oligarch wanted by the Justice Department on bribery charges, and he tried to get the DOJ to drop charges against a Turkish gold trader indicted in a massive scheme to avoid sanctions on Iran. There is no universe in which Rudy Giuliani could be referred to as a "crime fighter," much less a "good lawyer."

FFS, this is the guy who went on television and admitted that the Trump Organization laundered the hush money payoff to Stormy Daniels through the company's books as a business expense, grossed it up for taxes and labeled it a "retainer" payment, a practice he labeled as "totally normal." After which his law firm Greenberg Traurig immediately escorted him to the door because no, that is not fucking normal, you loon, it's illegal and unethical.

Graham went on to try to differentiate the "illegitimate" investigation of the Steele Dossier from the "legitimate" inquiry based on Rudy Giuliani's blatant propaganda to benefit Dmitry Firtash and Yuriy Lutsenko. But he didn't try all that hard.

BRENNAN: But-- I understand that. However, when you're talking about being asked to do these things and a channel being open between Rudy Giuliani and the Justice Department, this sounds a lot like this is in some ways a taxpayer-funded oppo-research operation against Joe Biden. Isn't this exactly what was at the heart of the impeachment probe to begin with?

GRAHAM: No, not at all. There are plenty of people being contacted by folks from the Ukraine. Adam Schiff got contacted by somebody thought to be a Russian and he was willing to get on a plane, apparently, and go find the documents. Schumer believes that Parnas has got the goods. Parnas says, I'm in on it. I've never met Parnas. So Democrats are being played and I'm not going to be played. So we're going to look at the Hunter Biden, Joe Biden connection to the Ukraine. We're going to ask the State Department, why didn't you do something about the conflict of interest.

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly being investigated as part of a counterintelligence probe and for possible financial crimes in his dealings with chucklefucks Parnas and Fruman, so why wouldn't our nation's top law enforcement officer work hand in glove with him to smear the president's political opponent. What are Attorneys General for, right?

In summary and in conclusion, these people are trying to turn this country into a banana republic. None of this is normal. Vote blue no matter who in November to save the country from these authoritarian vampires.

THE END.

[Face the Nation Transcript]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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