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Sorry, kid, but you had to die


Shocking no one but disgusting everyone whose heart isn't made of dog vomit, a grand jury has determined Cleveland Police Officer Timothy Loehmann was justified in shooting a 12-year-old black child dead in November 2014. Thus, after more than a year of investigation, Loehmann -- whose daddy said his son's a real good boy and had no choice but to kill that child, out of self-defense, of course -- will not be indicted, will not stand trial, and will never EVER go to jail. Neither will his getaway driver, Officer Frank Garmback.

As you may recall, Tamir Rice had committed the heinous crime of playing in a park, with a toy gun, when a concerned citizen reported the apparent crime -- including that the toy gun was "probably fake." Police arrived on the scene, diligently spent TWO WHOLE SECONDS assessing the situation, and decided the child was comin' right for 'em, with his toy gun and his (probably irrelevant but we'll gratuitously inject race into it anyway) blackness, and had to be put down. Bang bang, black child playing alone in a park neutralized, thanks to Cleveland's finest.

You can watch the video again, if you have some steel wool and bleach on hand, for your brain, in case you are wondering whether we're exaggerating for the sake of snark. (SPOILER: We're not.)

 

[contextly_sidebar id="sxG9a3zx0vf7kJhB03tH4alpe66VvIPb"]During the extremely thorough long-ass investigation, we learned all sorts of really important and germane information: that according to the Cleveland Police Union, Tamir Rice might have technically been a 12-year-old child, but he sure seemed like a fully grown black man on a mission to kill some cops; that investigating the police officer was considered a fairly low priority by the Cuyahoga County Sheriff's Department, because hey, they'd looked at a lot of documents and stuff; that Tamir's father had a criminal record, ergo, the child was practically asking to be shot; and that Officer Loehmann basically flunked out of cop training in some other town with slightly higher standards for its police force, like preferring cops who don't suck so hard with a gun, no amount of training in the world will make them not suck.

Silver lining, though. According to prosecutor Tim McGinty, during Monday's press conference announcing there would be no indictment of Officer Loehman, for shooting a child dead, everyone has learned some real valuable lessons, like how cops should wear body cams so we can watch the videos of them killing children up close, and also maybe the HR department should do a more thorough background check before letting epic FAILs run around playing police officer with deadly weapons. Like that.

We're sure Tamir Rice's family will take great comfort in knowing that while there was absolutely no way police could have prevented Rice's death, they'll try awful hard to prevent any such completely necessary deaths of any other children in the future.

[Live press conference via Cleveland.com]

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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