burn it all down
So, lots of Dennis Hastert news these days, huh? We all got to learn that he maybe molested not one, not two, not three, not four, but five kids while he was busy ostensibly being their wrestling coach but really instead being a gross pedophile? Kind of a weird downfall from being the very modern model of a modern major culture scold who impeached Bill Clinton over liking to consensually get it on with ladies not named Mrs. Clinton. Maybe Hastert was pissed at Bill that he didn't just molest children instead, since that is a perfectly sound lifestyle choice for old Dennis? Who can say, really?
It's sentencing time for Hastert, which means that last week we had to deal with the repugnant spectacle of his lawyers explaining that hey maybe a grown coach-man rubbing the groins of his teenage athletes was just a totally normal thing that happened way back in the day. Did that make you feel angry/depressed/weary/ready to move to Canada? Probably all of those things! But at least after that, you thought the worst was probably over, because what was going to be more disgusting than "groin rubs are totally cool, all the kids did it back in the day"? Oh, maybe the spectacle of people lining up to sing Hastert's praises so he doesn't have to go to jail for all that long.
Most of them are from the usual suspects one would expect to write sentencing letters, like Hastert's wife, Jean. Of course Jean doesn't really think Denny should serve a lot of time. Jean can overlook a multitude of sins, having been married to a molester/hush money payer/former GOP speaker for the last 43 years. See also his sons, siblings, whatever. They're pretty much contractually obliged to say that Hastert is a fine upstanding person, except for that whole molestation of wrestlers while coaching them thing.
This is not the case for Tom Delay, who was the majority leader for the GOP while Hastert was being a holier-than-thou motherfucker as Speaker. Delay could have just been a bit too busy to take Hastert's call or maybe mentioned that since he himself was an only-cleared-upon-appeal former felon himself, his word might not sway the court. But that would require Tom Delay to have a modicum of self-awareness and/or shame, and we know he has neither of those. So, Tom put pen to paper and vomited up this abortion.
"We all have our flaws, but Dennis Hastert has very few [...] He is a good man that loves the Lord. He gets his integrity and values from Him. He doesn't deserve what he is going through. I ask that you consider the man that is before you and give him leniency where you can."
Yes, we all have our flaws, and some of us have more or less than others, but even if you're nearly flawless otherwise, the whole MOLESTED TEENAGE BOYS thing is kind of a glaring character problem.
And just in case you thought only Tom Delay could express this sentiment so poorly, we give you the paper of record.
That is one hell of a follow-up sentence, New York Times. Is that how they teach it in J-school or SEO Academy or whatever the fuck these days?
Delay wasn't alone in saying what a great guy Hastert is because everything is terrible.
Among other notable politicians to write in support of Hastert were former U.S. Rep. Porter Goss, also a former CIA director, who spoke of Hastert's reputation in Congress as "Mr. Main Street, America," and Tyrone Fahner, a former Illinois attorney general, who recounted the speaker's steadfast leadership during the 9/11 terrorist attacks."Whatever conduct is alleged, I know Denny as a kind, strong, principled and unselfish man," Fahner wrote in a letter dated March 8. "I urge the court to permit him to live the rest of his life in freedom with his family and friends, and all those who love and admire him."
So, it pretty much doesn't matter what you do over on the GOP side of the aisle, up to and including sexually molesting actual factual teenagers. Your pals will still line up behind you and talk about how you really love God, America, apple pie, and 9/11. Hastert didn't ask us for our assistance, but here is our missive anyway:
Dear Judge:
Please burn all the other letters and put this schmuck away, forever, for the crimes of grossness against the state and oh yeah molesting all the boys.
Yours truly,
Yr Wonkette.
Short and sweet.
