​Grumpy The Clown Too Grumpy To Run For President. Oh, Grumpy!

Maggie Haberman took a break from fawning all over Hope Hicks and putting Burger King crowns on the Trump children to make them look like real princes and princesses, in order to do the thing she does really well -- getting delicious scooplets about the inner workings of the Trump shitshow. It's palace intrigue, to be sure, because it's intriguing to learn what a trash palace Trump's White House really is.

What Haberman has found is a very grumpy boy indeed, a sad loser in denial about his shitty poll numbers, who's too distracted by the laser pointers of his daily scandals to even focus on running for president. Also he is lazy, but what's new about that.

Haberman, along with Annie Karni, reports:

Late at night, using his old personal cellphone number, President Trump has been calling former advisers who have not heard from him in years, eager to discuss his standing in the polls against the top Democrats in the field — specifically Joseph R. Biden Jr., whom he describes in those conversations as "too old" and "not as popular as people think."

Oh my God, he's still using the insecure phone. Well, we hope Vladimir Putin has been enjoying the eavesdropping!

Anyway, Donald Trump turns 73 this Friday, and is the oldest president ever "elected" to a first term. But yeah, Joe Biden and Bernie are even older. Yet he's still losing BIGLY in the polls to Biden, and also just about everybody else. And he's in denial about that.

After being briefed on a devastating 17-state poll conducted by his campaign pollster, Tony Fabrizio, Mr. Trump told aides to deny that his internal polling showed him trailing Mr. Biden in many of the states he needs to win, even though he is also trailing in public polls from key states like Texas, Michigan and Pennsylvania. And when top-line details of the polling leaked, including numbers showing the president lagging in a cluster of critical Rust Belt states, Mr. Trump instructed aides to say publicly that other data showed him doing well.

Some might say Trump shouldn't pay attention to polls anyway, since the polls were supposedly very wrong last time. That is incorrect. The polls weren't as far off as people like to say they were, and oh yeah, there was this gigantic Russian attack on our election to benefit Trump, and, also too, there was a deus ex machina intervention 11 days before the election, courtesy of then-FBI Director James Comey, who delivered unto Fox News Congress a blistering warning about BUT HER NEW EMAILS!

But Trump is in denial about how much all patriotic Americans hate him, so of course he's telling his lackeys to lie. It's very weak and sad and the opposite of BIGLY, which is what we've come to expect from President WeakSad McBigly.

Haberman and Karni report that Trump can't be bothered to think about what he'd like to do in a hypothetical second term, which is not shocking, since he's not much of a "doing things" guy. He's not paying attention in campaign briefings -- just like intelligence briefings! -- because he's too focused on how Congress is doing presidential harassment and playing "GOT YER NOSE" with him. And he won't even think about what might be a good new slogan for his campaign, and is just sticking with "Make America Great Again" (and sometimes "keep America great"), because we guess he's too stupid to understand why sticking with the original slogan is a massive self-own.

And then there is his ass-spreading laziness:

Mr. Trump has griped about traveling too much, but then lashed out at aides, demanding to know, "Why am I not doing more rallies?"

TRANSLATION: He hates traveling to do presidential things, because presidential things are hard and people make fun of him in other countries. Whereas, if he waddles onto the plane and flies to South Bumblefuck, Kentuckystan, a bunch of redneck diabetic trained seals clap for him and call him delicious.

Haberman and Karni note in fairness that at this stage of the game, Barack Obama wasn't really in campaign mode yet either, but also remind readers that at this stage of the game, Obama was doing presidential things, as opposed to lounging around on his ass playing his indoor golf simulator and live-tweeting "Fox & Friends."

Finally, somewhere deep down, Trump knows he's a failure, as he has so far been unable to BUILD WALL, and that was pretty much his only concrete campaign promise.

All of this makes for a very Grumpy President ClownDick McSad, but Haberman and Karni report he's hoping to say some real good zingers about Joe Biden today, because they're both going to be in Iowa. Unfortunately, his zingers, like his brain, will be very stupid and likely covered in rabid wombat jizz, and they will probably not even make sense in the English language, because Donald Trump is not good at speaking English.

The end.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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