Trump Demands To Know Why California Hasn't Solved 'Fire'
Donald Trump doesn't drink, but he sure does all he can to sound exactly like the loudmouth at the local bar who has an expert opinion on every single thing that flashes on the TV screen. Which is why he knows exactly why so many wildfires broke out in California this fall. Has nothing to do with global warming, which is fake, or with too much development in fire-prone areas, because developers are the greatest people in America. And it certainly can't be shitty management or delayed maintenance of the electrical grid, because utilities are businesses and all they need is less regulation.
So really, it should be no surprise to anyone that Sunday, Trump's first mention of the huge wildfires in California complained California has failed to properly manage its forests, when the fires haven't actually been in forests. Because Donald Trump is the smartest man around, and all you need to do to prevent fires is rake the forests and stop the rivers from flowing into the sea, where they're totally wasted, duh.
In a series of tweets, Trump returned to some familiar, completely wrong themes, and once again threatened to eliminate funding for fighting fires in California.
After all, he's told California what it needs to do again and again, and the mere fact that he's been wrong every time is no excuse for California to keep ignoring his wise advice.
The Los Angeles Times, to its credit, helpfully reviews the major California fires, not one of which would be stopped by clearing firebreaks, damming rivers, raking forests, or asking a porn star to spank a game show host and then paying her hush money.
Trump's comments contrast with the types of blazes firefighters battled last week:
• The most destructive fire broke out in the heart of Los Angeles' Westside, starting just off the 405 Freeway near the Getty Center and burning 12 homes in Brentwood.
• The Easy fire, which threatened the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, occurred in a suburban area dotted by subdivisions and open spaces in Ventura County.
• The Maria fire burned on a mountain amid citrus and avocado groves between Santa Paula and Somis.
• The 46 fire occurred in a riverbed in Riverside County, the result of a car crash at the end of a high-speed police pursuit. The fire leaped from the riverbed to a nearby shipping container manufacturer.
• The Hillside fire did begin at the edge of the San Bernardino National Forest. But it quickly burned downhill into a San Bernardino neighborhood, which is where the fire fight occurred. It ended up burning just 200 acres but destroyed several homes.
California Gov. Gavin Newsom, who doesn't seem to understand where water comes from (it comes from not wasting it on endangered fish nobody cares about, is where it comes from, you pagan Gaia-worshiping hippies!), suggested he will once again ignore President Barstool:
As the Washington Post notes, unraked forests don't cause most forest fires, let alone brush and grass fires, shockingly enough:
While fire prevention generally includes some level of debris management, scientists and fire-prevention experts agree California's wildfire situation largely stems from the region's intensifying heat that dries out vegetation and creates tinderbox conditions come fire season — which coincides with the prime time for powerful offshore winds like the Santa Ana and El Diablo that spread the easily-fueled fire.
And of course, when you are talking forests and fire prevention, most of California's actual forests, which don't happen to be burning at the moment, are on federal land and managed by the federal government, not the state.
Jesse Melger, a spokesperson for Newsom, also pointed out yesterday that while California has indeed been making debris management a priority, the feds have actually "slashed funding" to pay for fire prevention. Well if California wants money to manage forests right, it should cut taxes and stop asking for handouts, duh.
As for Trump's threat to withhold federal disaster relief, we suppose he's welcome to invite yet another lawsuit from the state. Newsom, for his part, said last week he's been pleased with the response of those in the federal government who know what the hell they're talking about, or at least are acting like it.
I have nothing but good things to say about the federal government's support [...] In fact, the Homeland Security acting director proactively called me two days ago to check in... Hats off to them.
In related news, we expect Mr. Trump to advise the nation's electronics manufacturers to cut staff in their technical support divisions, because most problems with TVs can be fixed by giving them a good slap in the right place.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.