Guess Who Wants A Peek At Donald Trump's Tax Returns!


0124-mitt-romney-tax-return_full_600 Mitt, trying to remember just how rich he is, anyway

It's time for a 2012 election flashback! Won't that be fun! As if you are not already weary/terrified enough of the current election cycle, but just trust us on this one, OK?

OK. Remember when Mitt Romney was running? You remember Mitt. Dull fellow. Dull, but incredibly incredibly rich. And everyone pointed out that it would be really nice if we knew exactly how much money Mitt Romney had, particularly since he had rich people things like a car elevator and a wife who was a dressage enthusiast, which sounds kinky but just means she spent a lot of money on her fancy horse. Maybe that still sounds kinky. Ick.

ANYWAY. What were we saying? So when Mittens was running, everybody wanted to get a peek under the hood of his tax returns because of him being a Richie Rich. And he did finally release them, sorta kinda. He dropped his 2010 returns in January of 2012 but dragged his feet on his 2011 tax returns until September 2012, less than 2 months out from the general election, and did so late on Friday to take advantage of the Friday news dump, and it was also the same week as the whole 47% debacle, so the week was already fucked, really. And he only ever issued what he called a "summary" of the previous 20 years which (a) is not really a thing and (b) just served to obscure how mega-rich he was.

But today, here comes Mitt, lurching out of wherever really rich people hang out after they've failed at attaining their most desired job yet still have all the money in the world, to demand that Donald Trump release his tax returns ASAP.

“I think frankly I think we have good reason to believe that there’s a bombshell in Donald Trump’s taxes,” Mr. Romney said in an interview with Fox News.

Asked what he meant, Mr. Romney shared some theories: “Either he’s not as anywhere near as wealthy as he says he is or he hasn’t been paying the kind of taxes we would expect him to pay, or perhaps he hasn’t been giving money to the vets or to the disabled like he’s been telling us he’s been doing.”

You have to love that what Mitt is really insinuating here is that maybe, just maybe, Donald isn't as rich as he seems. Unlike Mitt, who is exactly as rich as he seems.

Incredibly overbuilt pot that costs $100,000 and has a car elevator, meet gold-encrusted, bejeweled, bedazzled huge kettle. You guys are so great together.


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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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