Gun-Toting St. Louis Lawyers Aren't Regular Gun-Toters, They're Cool Gun-Toters!

Culture Wars

The weirdest thing happened Saturday. A St. Louis, Missouri, couple came out of their mansion waving guns like stout, middle-aged gangsters at protesters walking peacefully — not even pitchforks or torches! — down their fancy-pants Portland Place street, which is private, as in “your kind not welcome."

I admit I'm biased and think anyone holding a gun is stupid, but Mark and Patricia McCloskey looked especially ridiculous.

They were both barefoot, which implies they keep their death machines closer than a pair or slippers or flip-flops. Mark McCloskey was armed with a semi-automatic rifle, the Penis Substitute 9000. Patricia McCloskey was modeling a tiny pistol from the Emma Peel collection, suitable for blowing off champagne corks but equally effective at threatening unarmed pedestrians.


The protesters weren't stopping to sell Tupperware or Jesus. They were heading to the nearby home of Mayor Lyda Krewson to demand her resignation after she'd doxxed her constituents during a Facebook Live briefing on Friday. She'd shared the names and addresses of people who wrote in asking to defund the police. It was a very bad Viewer Mail segment.

The McCloskeys were reportedly “terrified," even though they were dressed as if they had no fear. This is how Mark McCloskey described the situation to local news station KMOV4. I hope your tissues are closer to you than your AR-15.

A mob of at least 100 smashed through the historic wrought iron gates of Portland Place [and] rushed towards my home where my family was having dinner outside and put us in fear for our lives. This is all private property. There are no public sidewalks or public streets.

That's just the problem with closing yourself off from the rabble. You no longer know how “sidewalks" and “streets" and "gates" — which the protesters opened, instead of smashed — work. He's confused a scenic walking tour with an angry mob. God knows how he'd react to masked trick-or-treaters.

I was terrified that we'd be murdered within seconds, our house would be burned down, our pets would be killed. We were all alone facing an angry mob.

Mission accomplished, Tucker Carlson, you've scared these people shitless. During an interview Monday, Mark McCloskey insisted that the rifle he waved around nervously like a child who'd discovered his first erection was the only thing that stopped the zombie home invaders.

It was, it was about as bad as it can get. I mean, those you know, I really thought it was Storming the Bastille that we would be dead and the house would be burned and there was nothing we could do about it. It was a huge and frightening crowd.

Do you get to call your own home the “Bastille"? Black folks are scary but we're not getting our French Revolution on ... yet.

It is somewhat tragic that McCloskey considers his home a fortress — like the Bastille — and lives in abject terror of members of his own community. The McCloskeys have more to fear from civilized law than they do from unruly mobs. Even conservative writer Jim Swift at Bulwark thinks the couple is "screwed." The personal injury lawyers might've actually broken the law when they brandished lethal weapons at people in an "angry or threatening manner." Patricia McCloskey straight-up pointed her gun at pedestrians (and occasionally her husband) with her finger on the trigger. That's not really safe.

The McCloskeys have quickly become the cause celebre among your dumber conservative politicians. Donald Trump retweeted the video of their charged encounter with passersby, and Florida Man Matt Gaetz suggested that the McCloskeys are "all of us" (white people) in "Joe Biden's America," where presumably gang members will suddenly afford the down payments on million-dollar houses. Gaetz conjures up the scary image of "MS-13," which didn't help Republicans in 2018 either, but I'm sure it makes his "non-white son" feel loved.

It's not a total shock, but the McCloskeys might actually suck less than Gaetz, who can't even say "Black Lives Matter." The couple released a statement Monday that, in addition to lying about the gates, was fully in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and even boasted of their street cred "protecting the civil rights of people victimized at the hands of law enforcement." They made clear that the "agitators" were white not "capital-B" Black. It doesn't seem like they're in a hurry to film any anti-MS-13 ads for Trump.

[Washington Post / Heavy]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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