'Hangry' John Kelly Expects A Lumberjack Breakfast When He Visits Your Sissy Country


Donald Trump is currently shredding our European alliances and stealing bath towels while attending the 29th annual NATO summit in Brussels, which is somehow something the Electoral College enables a former Pizza Hut pitchman to do. During a breakfast meeting Wednesday (yes, yesterday; we are aware he has stunk up Belgium further this morning, and are slogging our way there), Trump claimed that Germany is "totally controlled by Russia," because he says stupid things and although we should never stop being shocked by them, it's getting exhausting. Let's take a quick glimpse at how the president's aides react to the insulting claim, especially White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, who appears to suddenly realize he is in a hell of his own making.

People in the reporting business obviously asked the White House about this, and unfortunately that means talking to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is a singularly graceless liar. She is the press secretary version of the old guy at the corner barber shop who claims to have known Joe Louis. And how she chose to insult our intelligence this time was a model of perfidy.

In a statement to The Post, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, "[Kelly] was displeased because he was expecting a full breakfast and there were only pastries and cheese."

Yeah, she went with "the role of John Kelly is now played by Larry David from 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'." You can almost hear the theme music. Trump's breakfast of champions included US ambassador to NATO Kay Bailey Hutchison and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, both of whom looked as if they'd been replaced by constipated wax dummies. I guess no one was happy with their breakfast, but I suppose Kelly was singled out for followup because he's the most physically demonstrative. That usually gets the most attention from theatre critics.

I don't like Kelly. He's a Confederate-sympathizing bigot and an asshole in an administration with more assholes than a RedTube channel. Yet, even I think the former Marine deserves better than to have Sanders throw him under the express bus to protect her boss from the reality that everyone around him thinks he's a moron.

Democrats and the pundits from across the political spectrum slammed Trump's absurd remarks, but Sanders would have us believe that while the president is slandering one of our allies, the only thing on Kelly's four-star general mind is his less-than-four-star-hotel breakfast? Did someone forget to put an emergency Snickers bar in his suit pocket? That's how he survived Iraq.

Sanders also basically admits that Kelly's staff has an idiot infestation problem. A quick tour of the Internets clues you in on the baffling breakfast behavior of the Belgians.

First and foremost, Belgians do not eat waffels for breakfast.

Not ever.

Breakfast usually consists of bread and cheese, such as sliced Gouda, jam and honey. Children often eat sandwiches with Nutella or the type of cream cheese sold in the USA as "Laughing Cow". On Sunday or for a special treat, people typically flock to the bakeries in the early morning and buy croissants and crispy bread rolls. Belgians favor (strong) coffee in the morning, although tea has gained some ground. Orange juice is also a common option.

Maybe Kelly normally orders from the kids' menu and wanted to know where the damn Nutella was. His hosts did provide him with a "special treat" of pastries rather than bread. Regardless, he should've known what to expect. If he couldn't manage to make it through a continental breakfast without acting like a four year old, he could've sent a low-level staffer out to McDonald's for an Egg McMuffin.

Sanders also even lied while lying: According to NATO Secretary Jens Stoltenberg, the breakfast included "eggs and toast and orange juice and some good fruit salad." Why does anyone listen to the lie-spiked word punch she serves up? Look, I get what game Sanders the professional gaslighter is playing. If you demean the once almost respectable people working for Trump, this caricature of American leadership supposedly looks less repulsive. Sanders probably feels safe because she has no dignity to lose.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins runs from March through May at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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