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On this day 54 years ago, the long foretold Barack Hussein Obama was born in a remote field in Indokenyamuslimstan, the love child of the Prophet Muhammad and Beyoncé, who is a lot older than she looks. Everybody was so excited! Three wise men came from afar, not bearing gifts, but simply a scroll containing the Illuminati's plan for how the baby boy would one day infiltrate US America and turn it gay, for Marxism. And then he grew up and the prophecies were fulfilled! Well, most of them anyway. He still has to do the part where he takes away all the guns and declares himself president of America forever, times infinity.


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America's previous black president, Bill Clinton, said happy birthday to President Obama on Twitter, by doing a joke!

Haha, get it? Because Michelle Obama is mean and is probably, as we speak, putting 54 trick candles into a bowl of kale and vegan poo.

Let's check the White House's Instagram and Flickr to see if we can find out what the President's doing for his birthday! Nothing? Fuck, guess we'll just have to figure out his birthday itinerary on our own:

8:00 AM: Barry Soetoro Whoever wakes up late, because birthday, looks around at kingdom, determines it is still there, and goes back to bed for another hour.

 

9:00 AM: Do daily morning address to nation, where he says he is not a Muslim, because takkiya says it's okay to lie for Allah.

10:00 AM: Giggle to self because America believed the lie again.

11:00 AM: Get gay married to former Persian leader stumbling out of Lincoln bedroom in bunny slippers. Immediately divorce him, because come on, he loves Michelle!

12:00 PM: Quick lunch, to give him energy for his afternoon of murdering Christianity and unborned babies and your grandma:

1:00 PM: ANTI-CHRIST TIME! Take THAT, fundamentalist Christian assholes!

2:00 PM: DEATH PANELS TIME! Take THAT, grandmommy!

3:00 PM: Harness power of sun, so that more prophecies can be fulfilled.

3:30 PM: Make Jamaica gay again by shooting rainbow out of his hand, because it was fun the first time!

4:00 PM: Quick chat with Michelle. "Where should we go for dinner?" "YOU pick!" "No YOU pick!" "YOU hang up first!" "No YOU hang up first!" Awwwwww, he is gonna get LAID TONIGHT! Keep large Kenyan feet on desk that belongs to the Taxpayers, just to show contempt for ordinary Americans.

4:30 PM: Quick, do the apocalypse before it's beer-thirty!

5:00 PM: WHEW, work over! Now what to wear for our special birthday date with Michelle tonight? HMMMM, HOW ABOUT THIS?

7:00-9:00 PM: Dinner. (Private, no pictures allowed. Probably not mac & cheese with wieners, because Michelle Antoinette won't eat that.)

9:00 PM: President Obama puts on his special outfit because it's time for Birthday Sex with Michelle.

9:02 PM: Michelle is all "you Silly Samuel, take that off and put on your assless mom jeans so we can do it the normal way!" Barry is like "oh fine," and then they do sex, the normal way, for TWO HOURS.

11:55 PM: OH GOOD, MICHELLE IS ASLEEP. Time to sneak outside for a cigarette, like we did in college, and also every night.

12:00 AM: ZZZZZZZZZZ, another hard day of destroying the world starts early!

Happy birthday, Bamz, from yr Wonkette!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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