Happy Birthday, George W. Bush, Come Get Yr Bowl Of Salted Rat Dicks!

You guys, it is George W. Bush's birthday! He turns 69 today, hyuck hyuck hyuck.

Know who didn't turn 69 today? Thousands of dead Iraqi and Afghan civilians, haw haw haw! Oh, it feels good to laugh again, doesn't it?

Dubya rose to power on the American people's sincerely held belief that a President should be someone with whom you, Joe Domestic Macrobrew, could enjoy a beer. Yr Wonket never understand why George W. Bush won this particular popularity contest, since Bush has been a recovering alcoholic since 1986. Perhaps America is just one big nation of enablers, who's to say, Yr Wonket was 17 when Bush was first elected (true fact) and was just beginning to understand that adults are full of shit.

Had it not been for a rich-kid-turned-zealot named Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush's two terms might have gone down in history as a tepid re-do of his father's administration, which was itself a tepid re-do of Reagan's presidency. But then Osama bin Laden and his dickhead buddies killed several thousand Americans, and so President Bush stepped forward to become the first and only national leader in human history to embark upon two expeditionary land wars in Asia while simultaneously cutting taxes.

Three years later, with Iraq in flames, bin Laden still at large, and at least one CIA operative's cover blown, the people of the United States returned George W. Bush to the White House for a second term. This time, Bush carried the popular vote by more than 3 million votes, leading despondent progressives to mutter darkly about Diebold and election-rigging conspiracy theories, much as conservatives did in the wake of 2012. (Yr Wonket brings this up because conspiracy theories are what they do. They are not what we do, and we would appreciate it if everyone would remember this after the dust settles in 2016.*)

The Bush years were a bad time to be a liberal. It was so bad, in fact, that we hesitate to compile a How Bad Was It? list, because we are pretty sure we would miss something big. So here's a comprehensive list of what Dubya did right:

  • George W. Bush did a better job of combating HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa than any other president.
  • George W. Bush kept himself fit and healthy, mostly by mountain biking.
  • George W. Bush became a pretty decent painter, or so says Yr Wonket's painterly girlfriend, who usually has good taste in these sorts of things.
  • Also, there was that time he dodged that shoe.

And that is literally the entire list, because George W. Bush was an awful president, and everyone who ever voted for him should be reminded of their own shitty judgement on a daily basis or until their renounce their former idiocy, whichever comes first.

Here for your approval is a comprehensive list of presidents who were definitely worse than George W. Bush:

  • Andrew Jackson, because fuck that guy.
  • James Buchanan, because you had ONE JOB.
  • John Tyler, because seriously, John Tyler was a pretty terrible president.
  • Warren G. Harding & Calvin Coolidge, because they were basically the same person.

Heckuva job, Dubya. The mess you left behind has taught us all the value of hard work.

*Your editrix here, and I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE Diebold stole Ohio for George W. Bush, and fuck you Dan, SOMETIMES PEOPLE CONSPIRE.

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