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Awww, he's even saying you're awesome on HIS birthday. WHAT A GUY!


Stop the newsreels, for it's time to sing a lustful, off-key rendition of the Marilyn Monroe birthday song, not to the president of the world, but to the VICE PRESIDENT of the world, Old Handsome Joe Biden! He turns 73-many-years-old today, and he is still a dreamboat.

Let's go ahead and get this picture out of the way, so everybody can fap to the OHJB of their choice during this post:

In our bunks we will ever be.

So, Joe has had a tough year, and that's sayin' something, because he's had a LOT of tough years. He lost his beloved son, Beau, who he referred to as the "finest man any of us have ever known." Just before Beau died, he tweeted this picture of his dad, and we all got blubbering sob tears in our eyes:

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As the vice president spent the next several months grieving, CNN (to whom we once again say "fuck you") and other players in the media-political complex pushed him and begged him and cajoled him to run for president, something he clearly did not want to do. Ted Cruz and all the rest of the wingnut dicks couldn't hold back from being disgusting cum-socks toward OHJB, both immediately after Beau died, and also when Joe finally said, "No, I am not running, go the fuck away," because wingnuts are bad people.

Also, Joe was exposed as a binky thief, a crime that will go on his Permanent Record:

And he got mauled in the cutest puppy-dog fight ever. Why you gotta maul Joe Biden, all you puppies?

See? He has a boo boo.

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There were high points though! Like when he gave the best speech in the history of speeches, about how he was gay for gay marriage long before gays were gay for it, because his dad taught him what it meant to be a loving human person.

Anyway, he's a swell old chap, and we are very For Glad he is not running for president. Maybe he can enjoy this year and chill the fuck out. WOULD THAT BE OK WITH YOU, GOD?

Of course, no Old Handsome Joe Biden birthday would be complete without a giant birthday card, so feel free to sign it. It's down there in the comments, which are not allowed!

And once you've done that, you'll probably want to get yourself a little something to make the day special, so how about Joe Biden all over your coffee cup? You have two choices! There is the "I just administered a whoopin' to that yappy asswipe Ted Cruz" one:

And there is the "I am so handsome, don't you want me in your mouth right now?" one:

Either will put just the right amount of sexxxy goodness into YOUR Morning Joe. (Not the MSNBC show, because ewwww.)

Or maybe you have a Classic iPhone 5, and want a Classic Man to decorate it with. We have a thing for that!

Call me maybe.

Or maybe you've just gotten so sexcited reading this post you broke all your panties. Well, Wonkette panties don't have Joe Biden on them, but they gots teeth!

All items available in the Wonkette Bazaar, of course. Let's look at one more picture of our birthday boy, to finish this fap session up right:

PUPPY!

Happy birthday, Joe! Yr Wonkette loves you THIS MUCH.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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