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Gonna fuck you up!


Thursday will be the first birthday of the Robert Mueller investigation into how Russia stole American democracy and gave it to this lumpy orange thing! And oh what a year it has been! What's that meme that's going around? Something about how the Ken Starr investigation into Bill Clinton lasted many years and all they found was some jizz, and there were 7,000 Benghazi Email Hillary investigations, all of which turned up jackshit, and yet in one year of Mueller, we have 22 indictments or plea deals, with many more to come? We're pretty sure we have seen that meme on the internet, in response to Trump idiots saying "Nothing to see here, folks!"

The Washington Post has a great piece about the status of the Mueller investigation, specifically on the Trump side of things, and it is about how, now that Trump finally has in Rudy Giuliani a lawyer whose brain is as good at his, they are going to GO TO WAR. (Because they weren't doing that before!) Because, you see, President Dumpster Butt is VERY MAD RIGHT NOW:

The president vents to associates about the FBI raids on his personal attorney Michael Cohen — as often as “20 times a day,” in the estimation of one confidant — and they frequently listen in silence, knowing little they say will soothe him. Trump gripes that he needs better “TV lawyers” to defend him on cable news and is impatient to halt the “witch hunt” that he says undermines his legitimacy as president. And he plots his battle plans with former New York mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, his new legal consigliere.

“We’re on the same wavelength,” Giuliani said. “We’ve gone from defense to offense.”

They are on the same wavelength all the time, except for every five seconds when Giuliani goes on TV and bones one of the various legal cases against the president. But other than that, it's great! More TV lawyers like Rudy Giuliani please, as they make yr Wonkette laugh and laugh! Or maybe they could get a "TV lawyer" like Michael Avenatti, oh wait, a lawyer that qualified wouldn't be willing to defend Trump.

Speaking of Giuliani, the AP reports that he's now saying they don't want to even think about a Mueller interview until after his VERY IMPORTANT MEETING with Kim Jong Un, because come on, we wouldn't want Trump to be MAKING WORLD PEACE but then all of a sudden get distracted and upset about the Russia investigation and start tweeting about "wire tapps!"

According to Trump's buddy Christopher Ruddy, it's not that the investigation upsets Trump so much because he's so very fucking guilty -- he's only acting like he's acting because he really sucks at life:

“No. This is Donald Trump’s personality. He just has to respond. He’s been so emotional. . . . It takes a toll on him, and the way he deals with it is to lash out.”

Perhaps his big ass could take up yoga. Or maybe whenever he's feeling sad about the investigation, instead of tweeting, he could just eat 50,000 Big Macs. Except for according to WaPo, he's not even allowed to do that right now:

The two men huddled for five hours May 6 at Trump National Golf Club in Virginia, Giuliani said, eating a Cobb salad (Giuliani) and a well-done burger (Trump) with half a bun in service to his health.

“I do that, too, sometimes,” Giuliani said about the half-bun. “It’s a good way to do it.”

We literally only included that passage out of sheer meanness. It adds zero to the plot of this post. Sorry/not sorry.

Natasha Bertrand has a great new piece in The Atlantic about what Robert Mueller himself is up to, and just how YOOGE and BIGLY the investigation really is. The short version is that Mueller is still detaining people we've never heard of, including an associate of Joseph Mifsud, the perfesser who told George Papadopoulos that Russia was going to fuck Hillary Clinton the fuck up in the election by using hacked emails, information Pap immediately went and drunk-spilled all over an Australian diplomat, which was what started the FBI's counterintel investigation into the Trump campaign in 2016. That associate, Stephan Roh, is a German with deep Russian ties, and he has a book coming out about how the whole investigation is FAKE NEWS and Papadopoulos was obviously a spy sent into the Trump campaign by the DEEP STATE, in order to trick them into doing conspiracies with Russia.

Don't laugh, these people are human beings and it hurts their feelings when you laugh at them like that.

Point is, Mueller's team is doing more than we could possibly imagine right now. As WaPo reminds us, last week's news about Michael Cohen's slush fund sex payoff bribes wasn't news to Mueller, who was talking to AT&T and Novartis about their payments to Trump in November 2017. Doing some back of the napkin math, that means stuff Mueller is doing RIGHT NOW might not even come out in the news until after the midterms. Will there even BE an America after the midterms? Who knows! (Not if Democrats don't win.)

Regardless, with this first birthday approaching, we think this week would be a good time for Robert Mueller to do some more indictments, because those are our favorite! How's that Cohen case going? We'd take a perp walk from Michael Cohen!

Or Erik Prince.

Or ... OOH! OOH! DEVIN NUNES!

Point is, Robert Mueller, it is your birthday, and we want you to party like it is your birthday. With indictments.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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