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Hawaii's Senator Brian Schatz Didn't Actually Do Sex On That Sheep

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Well, dear Wonkers, it appears you have finally learned what thetip line is for, as you have sent along the Wonkettiest story that ever Wonketted, this Daily Caller masterpiece, "Hawaii senator Brian Schatz involved in simulated sheep rape rituals." Click! Click click click click click click! Oh, now there is sheep sex in 51 open tabs!


Except, oh, it turns out you do not actually have to click, because "Hawaii senator Brian Schatz involved in simulated sheep rape rituals" is actually a frat hazing thingy from 1994, at Pomona College, and they would just tell the pledges, yo, fuck this sheep, but then the pledges would not fuck the sheep, and if the pledges were stupid enough to try to fuck the sheep, they would stop them and say, yo, do not actually fuck the sheep.

They did though have the sheep locked up in a sad sex dungeon, with a door between it and its food and water. NOT COOL GAMMA GAMMA OR WHATEVER THE FUCK FRATERNITIES ARE CALLED.

Anyhoo, it's fuckin' August dudes. Expect more of the same.

[DailyCaller, via Wonket superoperative "chascates"]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Because it had been literal days since a journalist published an article about venturing into the hinterlands to meet the rubes and find out why they still love Donald Trump, the Washington Post served us up something special on Sunday! WaPo's Stephanie McCrummen went to Luverne, Alabama (population 2,700) -- more specifically to the First Baptist Church in Luverne, Alabama -- to find out how God's country faithful who hate the sin and love the sinner (Donald Trump) are holding up. Here is what she learned as she traveled through the pews of First Baptist and shook hands.

(Wonkette has changed all the names to protect the ignorant, even though WaPo used their real names LOLOL, WaPo is a dick.)

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We begin our Sunday Rundown with former Trump foreign policy adviser and creepy inappropriate smiler Carter Page on CNN's "State of the Union" with Jake Tapper:

Honestly, Carter, stop smiling. It's seriously is not helping....

After the release of those 400+ pages of FISA application for the surveillance of Carter Page, Page did the idiotic thing -- as he has done before -- and went on TV again to attempt to put out a fire with a can of gasoline. Jake Tapper immediately got to the heart of the matter.

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