Hello, 911? Carter Page Would Like To Report A WAR CRIME!

HALP! HALP! I'm bein' tortured!

IT WAS TORTURE! Poor Carter Page has been murdered dead on the floor of the Senate. But don't worry, Wonkers, because he miraculously recovered and is back to tweeting insane shit for our amusement.

UH ...

If we're reading the scrambled eggs in former Trump advisor Carter Page's mind correctly, the senators questioning CIA nominee Gina Haspel are brazen hypocrites. How dare they question the CIA nominee's record on torture when they themselves tortured Carter Page LO, UNTO DEATH?

Remember when those mean senators tied Carter Page to a chair? (They did not tie him to a chair.) Then they set fire to his favorite red hat. (Or did they????) Then they asked him a bunch of horrible questions about the time he wanted to be a Russian spy, but Boris and Natasha were like, "Nyet! Too stupid! Throw him back!"

That was the torture part! (For Evan, who spent eleventy straight hours liveblogging the House version for YOU!)

Page elaborated for Axios:

Read the definition in [the U.N. Convention against Torture] ... if you had the full details of what they put me through you would probably understand.

Luckily they communicated with Page by email, so the Axios team didn't get tortured to death holding in their laughter.

He also included a 105-word clip of Article One of the Convention against Torture defining the practice as "severe pain or suffering" in service of obtaining information or punishment. Page highlighted all but five words from the passage.


Carter Page was tortured by that FISA warrant that the FBI got on him because he kept trying to fulfill his lifelong dream of being a Russian asset. Or so they said! The real reason was because Hillary Clinton wants to Pizzagate all the Catholics and harvest their organs! It was all because of the Dodgy Dossier! And next time he hopes you guys just waterboard him and get it over with!

Because now Carter Page will be under a DARK CLOUD forever, with only his cool, red bucket hat to keep him safe and dry.

And he calls it "Rosebud."

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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