Hello, FBI? We'd Like To Report A Crime In Progress.
Donald Trump pulled a very Donald Trump move last night in an interview with George Stephanopoulos, saying the quiet part loud yet again, and what he said was at the same time shocking and also not shocking at all. Distilled to its purest form, President NO COLLUSION said heck yeah, he would like to commit some crimes in order to win the 2020 election. If a hostile foreign power brought him campaign dirt on his opponent -- the same way they did in 2016! -- he'd say yes, you bet, he'd love it, especially later in the summer!
Stephanopoulos: Your son Don Jr. is up before the Senate Intelligence Committee today, and again, he was not charged with anything.
Trump: By the way, not only wasn't he charged, if you read it, I mean with all the horrible fake news -- I mean, I was reading that my son was going to go to jail -- this is a GOOD YOUNG MAN ...
A GOOD YOUNG 41-YEAR-OLD MAN.
Trump: That he was going to go to jaaaaaaail. And then the report comes out, and they didn't even say, they hardly even talked about him.
Stephanopoulos: Should he have gone to the FBI when he got that email?
Trump: OK, let's put yourself in a position. You're a congressman. Somebody comes up and says, "Hey, I have information on your opponent. Do you call the FBI? I don't think-
Stephanopoulos: If it's coming from Russia, you do.
Trump: I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of things over my life. I don't think in my whole life I've ever called the FBI. In my whole life. You don't call the FBI. You throw somebody out of your office, you do whatever you do-
Stephanopoulos: Al Gore got a stolen briefing book. He called the FBI.
Trump: Well, that's different, a stolen briefing book. This isn't a stolen- This is somebody that said, "We have information on your opponent." Oh, let me call the FBI. Give me a break. Life doesn't work that way.
President Crime Time gonna tell us how "life" works now. OK.
Stephanopoulos: The FBI director says that's what should happen.
Trump: The FBI director is wrong.
STUPID FBI DIRECTOR THAT TRUMP NOMINATED AFTER HE FIRED THE OTHER FBI DIRECTOR IN ORDER TO CRIMINALLY OBSTRUCT A LAWFUL INVESTIGATION INTO THE CRIMES TRUMP IS ADMITTING TO RIGHT NOW ON NATIONAL TV.
Stephanopoulos: Your campaign this time around, if foreigners, if Russia, if China, if someone else offers you information on opponents, should they accept it or should they call the FBI?
Trump: I think maybe you do both. I think you might want to listen. I don't- There's nothing wrong with listening. If somebody called from a country — Norway — "We have information on your opponent." Oh. I think I'd want to hear it.
Stephanopoulos: You want that kind of interference in our elections?
Trump: It's not interference. They have information. I think I'd take it. If I thought there was something wrong, I'd go maybe to the FBI, if I thought there was something wrong. But when somebody comes up with oppo research, right, they come up with oppo research. "Oh, let's call the FBI." The FBI doesn't have enough agents to take care of it. When you go and talk, honestly, to congressmen, they all do it. They always have, and that's the way it is.
Hello, FBI, we'd like to report a crime in progress. President NO COLLUSION just admitted what we've all suspected all along, that he's ready and willing to accept 2020 election interference from hostile foreign powers, as long as it helps him. Please remove him from the Oval Office he stole, immediately.
Yes, Senator Schatz, it is. Of course, the other things are terrible too -- just this week, Trump gave aid and comfort to the most dangerous dictator on the planet and kicked our own CIA in the dick in the process! -- but it's rare that the president gives the public such a preview into his upcoming crimes against our democracy. He's ready to do it again! Because for this unelected president, doing crimes, even against America, is just "how life works."
Here are a few of our takeaways, besides the obvious, which is HOLY SHIT, THERE IS A CRIMINAL IN THE WHITE HOUSE:
NO FBI! CRIMINALS DON'T CALL THE FBI!
Trump said he's never called the FBI in his entire life -- and if that weren't a lie, it wouldn't be surprising, because he's a criminal. Criminals do not tend to call the FBI unless there is another criminal who is moving in on their turf, in which case sometimes they might say, "Hello I am a criminal, but i will tell you my naughties if you promise not to LOCK HER UP me. In exchange I will give you all the dirty dirts on this other criminal you want more than you want me." What's funny is that actually BuzzFeed reported a couple years ago that Trump has called the FBI before, way back in 1981. He was opening a casino in Atlantic City, and he wanted the FBI to stop other crime families from interfering with his turf, so that's on brand.
NO COLLUSION! TRUMP AND HIS FAMILY ARE TOO STUPID FOR COLLUSION!
The Mueller Report explains why prosecutors felt they would have a hard time gaining a full conspiracy conviction for Trump Russia collusion conspiracy cahootses like Junior's Trump Tower Treason Meeting. One of the things it hinged on was criminal intent, because back in 2016, Trump people were fucking IDIOTS, especially Donald Trump Jr. Indeed, that whole section of the Mueller Report reads like "Junior is simply too fucking stupid to be indicted, bless his heart." They're new at politics! How could they know crimes were bad?
But now it's 2019. They all definitely know better now. And they'd FUCKIN' DO IT AGAIN. On top of what Trump told George Snuffleupagus, remember what Jared Kushner told Axios recently? Kushner was asked, if that thing happened again and America's enemies were bringing dirt on campaign opponents of President Enemy Of The State, would he go to the FBI this time? "It's hard to do hypotheticals." Yeah, Jared, we bet.
Show us a prosecutor in America who couldn't prove criminal intent now, and we'll show you an idiot.
RUSSHUR IF YOU'RE LISTENING!
Y'all, when Trump said that in 2016 on the campaign trail, when he looked in the camera and said, "Russia if you're listening" and asked them to find Hillary's "missing" emails, they tried to hack Hillary Clinton's personal server directly that night. Is Trump sending messages to Russia again, right now?
And let's be clear. Trump needs hostile election attacks, in order to win. He lost the popular vote by three million in 2016 and his Electoral College "win" was a fluke (or a crime), accomplished even though he had all that Russian and FBI help, and even though he was running against Emails McYoga Pants (whom we love and are just teasing right now). He has never hit a 50 percent approval rating, because Americans despise him so much.
Could Trump get re-elected legitimately? Sure. It's theoretically possible that the Democrats could fuck it up really badly and somehow, by the hair of his chinny chin chin, he could hold on.
Could Trump get "re-elected" illegitimately? Oh hell yes. We already know that Trump is absolutely hellbent on ignoring election security issues, and it's pretty obvious the reason is because election security is a natural opponent to his own bottom line chances of being re-elected. (Mitch McConnell also refuses to bring election security bills to the floor of the Senate. Wonder why!) The Mueller Report found conclusively that Russia engaged in a "sweeping and systematic" campaign to elect Trump, that his campaign just loved that help, and his margin of "victory" alone suggests Russia was successful beyond its wildest dreams.
And Trump just invited them back in 2020.
And our final takeaway, perhaps the most important:
NANCY PELOSI, IT'S TIME.
Dear Speaker Pelosi:
We have been Team Pelosi with the strategy of slow-walking impeachment, because we trust your judgment, even when half of Twitter is saying "NUH UH SHUT UP." We do not actually care what Twitter says, but now we, your best friend and ally, are saying it's fucking time. Yes, still slow roll it and make it as painful as possible for Trump, and design it to inflict maximum pain on him in the election. That's all fine. BUT START IT.
The dumbfuck is on Twitter this morning, trying to "smooth it over":
Yeah, that's the same. And honestly, if the "Prince of Whales" tries to collusion Trump in his sleep, he needs to make a different phone call. To a neurologist.
Like we said, he's a dumbfuck, and he's a criminal, and Nancy Pelosi, we love you a lot, but it's time to do this.
Let's impeach a fuckin' president!
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