Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!
Today Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times in which he pleaded with the United States to be cautious in its dealings with Syria. Thanks to the type of journalistic legwork you have come to expect from your Wonkette, we were able to turn up the original draft of Putin's op-ed, before his handlers and diplomats and people with a better command of the English language put their stamps on it. We present it here for your enlightenment.
Greetings, American swine friends. I write to you today from the great city of Moscow, where we are enjoying unusually balmy September weather of nearly 20 degrees on your Fahrenheit scale. Much warmer than relations between your President Obama and myself, yes? Certainly warmer than the liquid nitrogen rocket fuel I have just ordered our glorious Russian military to pump into our nuclear missiles in preparation for launch.
Ha ha, I kid! Is old Cold War joke, not unlike what your hero President Reagan used to make, yes? Please everyone go change mass-produced capitalist underwear from Hanes. I will wait.
You are back? Okey-doke, as you say. America, I speak to you today in your newspaper of record as your great friend. Everyone has that one friend like Russia: greater in land area, richer in natural resources, taller (yes! I am tall like mighty fir tree!), with the muscles and the charisma and the pure sexual magnetism that draws women to him in clubs while you sip club soda in corner before going home alone to shamefully masturbate into old gym sock. That friend who can out-drink you, out-fuck you, and storm into wilderness wearing only loincloth, to return with carcass of Siberian tiger he killed with bare hands.
America, you are great country. But you are one of many countries and very few of the others like you. Whether it is because of your arrogance or your pervasive hegemonic culture, or simply your continuing to export those McDonald’s fish filet sandwiches to every corner of the earth, I cannot say. But I must ask, have any of you ever eaten these fish filet sandwiches? Yebany v rot! I would rather eat one of the rolls of good Soviet toilet paper I used to stand on line for four days in winter in St. Petersburg with my beloved babushka to receive. Now I have toilet paper made of the softest fur of lynx I hunt myself on our glorious Russian taigas. Much better stuff, I am saying truth!
I understand your President Obama uses official White House toilet paper embossed with seal of the president, specially made for him by great capitalists at Charmin. Which is nice too. Perhaps he will bring me roll at next G20 summit, and I will bring him lynx fur, and we will have nice time. Perhaps sending a few rolls to Damascus will solve this crisis, even. Make President Assad less grumpy.
Speaking of President Assad, may I speak to you of him? I remind you if you say no that I am former KGB and can have you killed in your bed. Ha ha, is joke again! But seriously, you should probably check locks on your house. Especially you, Mr. H. Steinbrenner of 145 Golden Lane, Tampa, FL. (President Putin is big Red Sox fan.)
President Assad has long been great friend of the Russian people. He has bought so, so many of our weapons. Certainly he is now using those weapons to kill citizens of his country, but we did not know he would do that when we sold them to him. If I am salesman at your Best Buy and I sell you expensive video camera, and then you take camera back to your tastefully furnished suburban home, with recessed lighting and eat-in breakfast nook and unpayable mortgage, to film child pornography, who am I to stop you? It is now your camera and your home and I, the great salesman, am now assistant assistant manager at Best Buy. Everybody wins!
Besides, maybe filming your child pornography will keep you occupied so that you will not spend your time acquiring nuclear weapons and blow up any Middle Eastern oil fields, thus throwing world economy into disorder. If that were to happen, how would you export your McDonald’s fish filets to all corners of globe?
America, I hope this is now making the sense to you.
So what is to be done here, about Syria? Well, America could fire some of your missiles at it. But then you would not have those missiles anymore, and you Americans love to own things. You are very fond of your cars and your televisions and your home margarita machines. And those missiles cost you good money! You should keep them, they will be collector’s items someday, like Carl Yastrzemski rookie card.
Also if you fire these missiles at President Assad, you are firing them at his great personal friend: me, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, president of Russia and supreme awesome hunter who once tracked and killed Siberian bear with own hands while wearing nothing but camouflage parachute pants and necklace made of gulag prisoners’ teeth. Why would you do that to President Putin? I thought we were friends! I put your hero Edward Snowden up for a few months! I even offered your president toilet paper I made myself from lynx fur!
America, once again I am disappoint. But you can still get back in my backside. Or is it good side? Silly English idioms! Yes, please to tell your president you prefer our new plan of repossessing all of President Assad’s weapons. He has been late on his payments anyway. My cousin Sergey has truck, I will send him over to Damascus with a few guys he knows to take weapons back. We will store them in safe place until Assad comes up with payments or someone else wants to buy them, and there will be no more need for President Obama to interrupt America’s Got Talent (Tuesday nights on your NBC!) to make speech to you again. He loves giving speech, yes? Once at summit in Turkey he went on and on and on at dinner until one of my deputies fell asleep with his face in his plate of manti. When he awoke he had heat blisters and looked like undercooked chicken. Oh, we laughed and laughed!
Anyway, you will tell your president this. Or I will kill you.
Sincerely your great friend,