The time is nigh, when the Supreme Court of the United States of America will likely find that there is a constitutional right to marriage equality, though court watchers don't predict that they'll make gay marriage a requirement for all Americans. But you'd think they were about to do that, the way anti-gay Jesus Americans are panicking, by nervously, fearfully pulling out their nipple hairs and issuing proclamations that NO! you cannot force gay marriage right down their throats, they're gonna spit it out!

Pastor Rick Scarborough, who wants to sue the gays class action-style, is leading the "spit, don't swallow" brigade, with a WaPo ad begging the Court not to make them choose between Bigot Jesus and following the law, and a pledge declaring that, since God designed marriage (and redefined it like 8 times, because nobody gets 800 wives anymore like they did in Bible times, sadface), SCOTUS isn't allowed to rule on it, and they will NOT be forced into arranged gay marriages, no siree:

We will view any decision by the Supreme Court or any court the same way history views the Dred Scott and Buck v. Bell decisions. Our highest respect for the rule of law requires that we not respect an unjust law that directly conflicts with higher law. A decision purporting to redefine marriage flies in the face of the Constitution and is contrary to the natural created order. As people of faith we pledge obedience to our Creator when the State directly conflicts with higher law. We respectfully warn the Supreme Court not to cross this line.

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As of this writing, 50,443 patriotic Americans have signed the pledge, led by some big name wingnuts, including the gay-hating-est presidential candidates of all, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum. Also, too, some of America's favorite anti-gay wingnuts, like Dr. James Dobson, Billy Graham's wayward spawn Franklin, those Aryan bigot twins with the canceled HGTV show, WONKET PEN PAL SEX MONSTER BRADLEE DEAN, and oh look, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. While we respect the Duggars' desire to protect Americans from throat-cramming, we think they oughta focus on their own family at the moment.

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But these folks are drawing a line in the sand that says  they'll do a lot of things for the love of Jesus, but they won't do ... what? No funny butt stuff? Are they promising to continue stomping their feet and whining when they encounter a married gay couple? Because we already knew they were going to do that. Are they saying that no way, no how are they going to divorce their opposite-married wives and get engaged to Jim, the one they met on Grindr at the Southern Baptist Convention? We didn't expect them to do that, what they do with Jim is "a special secret."

Scarborough writes in a column for WND that "[t]here are tens of thousands of people of faith, in fact, hundreds of thousands, if not millions," who will not respect the Supreme Court ruling. Wow, their numbers grew from thousands to millions in the space of one sentence! But Scarborough immediately defines it right back down, saying that "thousands of Christians" will civil disobedience the law, by refusing to bake cakes and pizza for homosexuals, most likely. Such freedom fighters. And they'll refuse to let the state force pastors to do gay marriages, because that's a thing they believe is going to happen, even though it's clearly bullshit, in part because there is not a gay couple on the planet who wants to be married by a pastor who thinks they're going to hell for loving each other.

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Anyway, this is sure to work, and if it doesn't, Scarborough can always fall back on his original plan, which is to preach about anal sex to unsuspecting Sunday church-goers. He's good at that.

[ / WND via Think Progress]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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