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Dylann Storm Roof killed black people because he wanted to kill black people. Roof admitted this! But maybe it's not about race. Let's take another trip down Wingnut River to see why Roof's nine victims -- Rev. Clementa Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Susie Jackson, Cynthia Hurd, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Ethel Lee Lance, Myra Thompson, and Rev. Daniel Lee Simmons, Sr. REALLY died.


1. Because Caitlyn Jenner is a girl, and we don't even hate her.

That waste of space, Erick Erickson, who edits the RedState blog and goes on Fox News to talk about how Baltimore got all fucked up because there isn't enough Jesus, has some thoughts to share on Charleston, and wouldn't you know it, this is all Caitlyn Jenner's fault, for being transgender, and America's fault, for failing to condemn Jenner to hell:

I realize why we will never have the conversation we should have.

A society that looks at a 65 year old male Olympian and, with a straight face, declares him a her and "a new normal" cannot have a conversation about mental health or evil because that society no longer distinguishes normal from crazy and evil from good.

Also, racism can't explain Roof's actions because voters ended racism in South Carolina:

The state of South Carolina, controlled by Republicans, elected an Indian American Governor and put a black man in charge of the congressional district from which the first shots of the Civil War were fired. They then elevated him to the United States Senate. Both are Republicans.

The state has moved on.

Sure it has.

2. Because abortion, obviously.

Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dumbest niece Alveda says yeah, race, whatever, but what about the 'borted babbies?

"This disturbed young man — I understand he’s caucasian, and he shot black people, and that’s not good — but evil is not just limited to color.

It’s a lack of value for human life. You know, I’m going to say that as a director of outreach for African Americans of Priests for Life, you kill babies in the womb, kill people in their beds, shoot people on the streets so now you go into the church when people are praying."

It's "not good" that Roof murdered black people because he hated them, but it's not like he was Dr. Tiller or anything.

3. Because everybody hates Jesus now.

Yep. Thanks, "Fox & Friends" idiots, for getting right to the heart of the matter:

STEVE DOOCY: It was released earlier, and extraordinarily, they called it a hate crime, and some look at it as well, because it was a white guy, apparently, and a black church, but you made a great point just a moment ago about the hostility toward Christians — and it was a church — so maybe that’s what they’re talking about. They haven’t explained it to us.

BISHOP E.W. JACKSON: Most people jump to conclusions about race. I long for the day when we stop doing that in our country. But we don’t know why he went into a church, but he didn’t choose a bar, he didn’t choose a basketball court, he chose a church, and we need to be looking at that very closely.

Yeah, it was a CHURCH. And of course, Bishop Jackson is black -- as well as a failed Republican candidate for Virginia lieutenant governor in 2013 -- so he knows that if this were a racist hate crime, Roof would have gone to a basketball court, or maybe a black lady beauty parlor.

4. Because gays.

Bishop Jackson was NOT DONE saying stupid words, so he went on the radio to explain to host John Fredericks how this is a result of the "growing hostility and antipathy to Christianity and what this stands for, the biblical worldview about sexual morality and other things," which means GAY, you all know that means GAY, right?

FREDERICKS: The gay lobby in the United States is wielding a tremendous amount of power and influence now ... The atheists are now wielding an inordinate amount of power ... how do such tiny minorities ... get such unbelievable political clout?

JACKSON: Well I think the answer to that, John, is actually fairly simple and it's this: It's because their values are more likely embraced by the media, by the entertainment culture, and by the university and higher education system of our country. So in other words, those are the people who will amplify the whole gay rights movement, they will amplify atheism ...

And then a bunch of black people get shot and killed, gotcha.

5. Because ... who can say?

Jeb Bush doesn't know if it was racially motivated. Maybe instead it was about "?????????????????????????????"

6. Because drugs.

Oh sweet baby Jesus in heaven, SHUT THE FUCK UP, Rick Perry.

7. Because racist gunmen don't kill black people, gun-free zones kill black people.

Fox News contributor and real-live gun-humper John R. Lott wrote up a nice column on Fox's website, about how Roof probably did a Google search to find a gun-free zone to make sure his indiscriminate killing would go smoothly, and that's how he happened to come across the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church:

The horrible tragedy last night that left nine people dead at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, S.C., probably could have been avoided. Like so many other attacks, the massacre took place in a gun-free zone, a place where the general public was banned from having guns. The gun-free zone obviously didn’t stop the killer from bringing a gun into the church. [...]

Churches, like the one in Charleston, preach peace, but the killer there probably chose that target because he knew the victims were defenseless.

8. Because Rev. Clementa Pinckney should have been armed.

NRA board member Charles Cotton explained that Pinckney voted against concealed death weapons in churches, and therefore is the REAL killer:

“And he voted against concealed-carry. Eight of his church members who might be alive if he had expressly allowed members to carry handguns in church are dead. Innocent people died because of his position on a political issue.”

Guns don't kill people, certainly not guns gifted to Dylann Storm Roof for his 21st birthday. Anti-gun votes kill people.

9. Because it's just not racism, OK?

Hey Wall Street Journal, show us how you're still a totally serious publication, even though you're run by Rupert Murdoch's organization:

The universal condemnation of the murders at the Emanuel AME Church and Dylann Roof’s quick capture by the combined efforts of local, state and federal police is a world away from what President Obama recalled as “a dark part of our history.” Today the system and philosophy of institutionalized racism identified by Dr. King no longer exists.

What causes young men such as Dylann Roof to erupt in homicidal rage, whatever their motivation, is a problem that defies explanation beyond the reality that evil still stalks humanity. It is no small solace that in committing such an act today, he stands alone.

See? Dr. King's dream has come true, there's no racism anymore, and Dylann Roof was just an outlier. QE-fuckin' D!

So there we go. Now we can postpone that long overdue national conversation on race a little bit longer, why not?

Jesus wept.

[Media Matters / The Erick Erickson Show / Right Wing Watch / Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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