White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was in fine form yesterday! She's got that special blend of bald-faced lies, indignation, and giant false eyelashes that always gets us. So if you're here for some sexxxxxxy LADY WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU action, you have come to the right Mommyblog!

The President DID NOT Shoot Those Kids!

On Tuesday, the US clocked its 11th school shooting in 2018, because an armed society is a polite society. (People on Twitter beg to differ, believing that killing people at sorority parties, committing suicide in an elementary school parking lot, and shooting a bb gun into a school bus filled with children DO NOT COUNT. We sure are glad they are there to decide who's being a silly gun-hating ninnyhammer!)

Unlike Justin Trudeau, our president was too busy shit-tweeting about "Cryin' Chuck Schumer" and "the 50,000 important text messages between FBI lovers" to offer condolences. Which is probably why Sarah Sanders opened up by announcing that Trump had finally gotten around to calling the Kentucky governor the next day. But is he going to, like, do anything about all these awful school shootings?

The President instructed his administration to make the recent crime wave a top priority. Some of the things that they’ve accomplished in that process, and been focused on, is they’ve charged more defendants with violent-crime offenses than in any year in decades, they’ve charged the most federal firearm prosecutions in a decade, and they’ve convicted 1,200 gang members and took down numerous drug-trafficking organizations, all in an attempt to help create safer and better communities, and certainly safer schools.

There's no indication that any of the school shooters this year were in a gang, but sure! If The Black Guy hadn't made that crime wave, this never would have happened.

Reporter: But are school shootings crime waves? Schools shootings seem to be their own category. We agree we don’t want crime.

SANDERS: I think they’re part of a crime wave, absolutely. I don’t think you can completely separate the two. They are a part of domestic violence, and I think that it certainly would be part of a crime wave that we are focused on addressing.

We haven't dug down into the numbers yet, so it would be imprudent of us to wonder if perhaps "more criminal charges" against "more criminal defendants" might not suggest that crime has gone UP under the president. Guess we will never, ever know.

Then NBC's Peter Alexander had the gall to ask if the President would speak publicly against domestic violence school shootings.

SANDERS: Let me be very clear on this. The fact that you’re basically accusing the President of being complicit in a school shooting is outrageous.

Interesting choice of words, Poots! Remember five days ago when the president actually accused Democrats of being "complicit in every murder committed by illegal aliens" because they wouldn't fund his idiotic wall?


Sarah Sanders's Active Fantasy Life

The president has a new, comprehensive immigration plan that will make everybody happy. He'll announce it Monday, and the House and Senate will pass it in short order. Because he is King of the Art of the Deal, of course, and he used his big brain and all the best words to come up with something that will satisfy the nativist nutbags in the House and survive a filibuster in the Senate.

I don’t think a legislative package that can’t pass both houses helps us much.

What's in this magical plan? Well, there's definitely WALL. But the rest is a secret, and Sarah's not telling!

Reporter: Does that legislative framework you said is a permanent solution for DACA, does that include a path to citizenship for the recipients?

MS. SANDERS: Well, if I told you now, it would kind of take away the fun for Monday.

Oh, those DACA kids are sure having fun wondering if the "permanent solution" is they all get deported when their permits run out! Also, too, Ursula Le Guin, may her name be a blessing, could not come up with a universe where Chuck Schumer and House Freedom Caucus loon Mark Meadows agree on an immigration plan.

Come on, Sarah! Tell us your crazy, filthy, white fantasies. We won't tell.

We will, again, as I said, be rolling out some of the specifics of the framework of that legislation that we’d like to see on Monday. I’m not going to get ahead; I’m not going to go any further than we have in laying out the principles we already have over the last several days.

There's More Bullshit Where That Came From

Soon Trump will join his fellow populists in Davos to wow them with his deep understanding of international monetary policy. But Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is there now warming up the crowd by telling them how AWESOME it is that the dollar is down since Trump took office.

Obviously a weaker dollar is good for us as it relates to trade and opportunities.

Uhhhh... The dollar is down 15 percent relative to the Euro in the past year. That's not a little fluctuation that makes American products look like a bargain to buyers in Not America. That's a sign that electing a maniac who is intent on a trade war is spooking international investors.

Care to weigh in, Poots?

Look, currently we have a very stable dollar because of how well the US is doing, and it’s as powerful as it’s ever been. And therefore, it’s the reserve currency of the world, and that’s the official position at the White House.

Via Bloomberg

Check out our very stable genius currency!

Okay, lightning round!

Did the president ask Andrew McCabe who he voted for?

I wasn’t in the room. I don’t know what was discussed. I know he didn’t ask me.

Got any plans to ask the president about it?

Even all of the polling that any person in here would take, I very seriously doubt that any person in America would list that as an issue they care about.

Last question: Was there any collusion?

Reporter: As you’ve mentioned many times, the President has mentioned many times, there is no collusion. What — why —

SANDERS: I’m glad you guys are starting to echo that too

Reporter: Yeah, we hear it a lot. (Laughter.)

SANDERS: If you could say it more and more when you’re on your networks, that would be really helpful.

Oh, yeah. We'll get on that NO COLLUSION stuff right away. You got it, Poots!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

We watched that whole press conference! You should money us NOW!

[Transcript / Think Progress / Bloomberg]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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