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Five Other Already-Illegal Things Congress Should Vote to Make Illegal

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The United States House of Representatives, man, what a place. When they’re not quoting the Bible to piss on climate change or trying to gut Social Security or voting for the 407th time to REPEAL OBAMACARE or fellating their corporate benefactors or holding their collective breath until the usurper resigns in disgrace or gets tried for treason, whichever, they’re voting to make already-illegal taxpayer-funded abortions even more super-duper illegal, because they really, really want all you ambulating vaginas out there to get to babymakin’, for God and country.

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And so we wondered: What other things that are already illegal should our esteemed representatives vote to make extra illegal, because apparently they are very bored and need something productive to do with their time?

Abortions after 44 weeks.

Yeah, sure, Congress wants to ban abortions after 20 weeks — if those dumb Republican congressladies don’t get in the way, that is — and banned late-term abortions a decade ago, but why stop there? We need a law to keep these Margaret Sanger acolytes from aborting their babies after they’re born, too. The rights of the child must be protected!

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Heroin.

Heroin is already a Class 1 drug (just like pot!), but this is not enough. We need to show the junkies what’s up. Get on that shit, Boehner. America wants action.

Sharing state secrets with your sexytime friend.

Given recent events — here’s looking at you, Petraeus — we need to make sure our spies know this is Not OK.

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Necrophilia.

Sure, making sweet, sweet love to the dearly departed is already illegal (outside of Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas and North Carolina, which also ban blowies, weird, and also Nebraska, New Mexico, and Vermont, which don’t care what you fuck), but The People demand that we show our moral approbation. And what better way to do that then with an act of Congress?

Buying smokes for preteens.

Smoking accounts for nearly one in five American deaths a year. Where is the outrage, John Boehner? (Let us know when you get back from your smoke break, dude.)

Defund the stupid hippies at ACORN

(Which, ahem, no longer exists.) Oh wait, they actually do this. Christ, where’s the cyanide.

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