Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life
Greetings, godless liberals! Since you don't celebrate Christmas in your heathen belief system, you might not realize that the more upright members of society are using one of their "holy days" as a reason to spend the next two weeks exchanging bobbles and trinkets to signal fellowship and lord their financial prosperity over each other.
In case you are for some reason taking part in this ritual, Wonkette is here to help you find the very finest in political gifts. To save time, we suggest buying a big pile of Republican gear to both delight your shut-in uncle in Saginaw and wrap up ironically for your left-wing friends.
Republican garments can be turned into an editorial depending on the context. For instance: what liberal wouldn't want to wear this leftover Bush/Cheney '00 shirt while dredging a hog waste pond?
Or shove their stinking feet into these "limited edition" socks, which were "designed for and signed by George H.W. Bush"?
If those are too classy, the H.W. socks also come in an eye-searing orange stripe design. LIMITED EDITION! NO PUSHING! (In an excess of brotherly love, we are heroically refraining from calling faux pas on wearing socks with boat shoes.)
This handy package of W. nostalgia swag is perfect for anyone whose memory began in 2009. Buy now while it's 14% OFF!
Christmas is always a good time to remind people that Lincoln was a Republican and bestowed upon the GOP immunity to charges of racial bias in perpetuity throughout the universe.
There must be some Republican hippies in your life, or else someone who jogs at night and needs some help with visibility. (Turn that apostrophe around, dammit!)
And if you're shopping for someone with taste too swanky for the cotton/poly blend of the common man, we suggest this absolutely stunning eagle brooch, "crafted in Burbank, California." It goes with any box-shaped conservalady suit and has "sparkling inlaid Swarovski crystal," making it every bit as classy as a trip to the spa for a vajazzling.
If you pull enough money from your "retirement fund," i.e., that hole you chipped in the wall behind the fridge, you can send a little GOP cheer to everyone on your list. If you have anything left, we recommend investing in vodka futures in anticipation of the new Republican Congress.
Of course, it's always possible that you know some people who are so not-Republican that they wouldn't even use a W shirt to clean off a dog who'd dragged a skunk through a compost heap. In that case, you could look into a mug or three from the Wonkette Bazaar! Any liberal would be proud to sit across the table from a beloved spouse/one night stand with matching Elizabeth Warren mugs full of straight scotch, the breakfast of champions.
Merry Christmas, barbarians! We'll see you at the New Year's tofurkey curry buffet.
You can follow Beth on Twitter.