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Here Is Jim Hoft's Apology From Your Wonkette

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Dear Jim Hoft, aka Gateway Pundit, aka The Internet's Stupidest Man,


We saw your victorious post this morning asking Wonkette for a "correction," for being completely correct and pointing out that you are very stupid.

We are very, very sorry, that you are so stupid. We are sorry that reading is haaaaaaard for you. Have you considered Hooked on Phonics?

When some guy, Guy, sent out a DCCC DSCC fundraising letter, he said that Tea Party people "waved signs with Nazi symbols." You said -- in bold even! -- that Of course, this did not happen. Anywhere. You promised $3150 to the feminist group of Elizabeth Warren's choice if anyone could prove that it did. (Dear Senator Warren: we are a feminist group. Please have Hoft send the lovely munnies to us.)

It took Gary like three minutes of pretty hard Googling, but he's Ford tough! But then, after Gary sent you a link showing just that, you changed your challenge! In fact you "altered" it. You said someone had to actually find pictures of Tea Party folks "approvingly" carrying Nazi symbols, "endorsing" Nazism, like, we dunno, the English Defence League or something, because you said that's what that guy, Guy, was clearly suggesting, even though that is not what he said. Also, you said the Teabaggers clearly "denunciated" it.

Please Jim Hoft. Please learn to spikka de Eenglish more gooder.

So you posted your triumphant update that that guy, Guy, sent a new email in which he expanded his wording to "using Nazi symbols to attack opponents." You said he "altered" his fundraising letter -- which he didn't! He sent out a new fundraising letter which added three words. You altered your challenge -- after it was met -- and then said he altered his letter!

I mean, that is crazy, right?

You called on us to correct ourselves, for being wrong somehow? Which we most certainly were not, what are you even talking about? Because you were wrong? Because you are functionally illiterate and claim things never happened, when they did, because they did not happen in the imaginary way you claim someone else claimed they did, when those people did not?

And though you "altered" your challenge after your challenge had already been met and never admitted it, you claimed other people altered their shit? Because you could see into the brain of the guy, Guy, and know what he was "suggesting"? Instead of the words he actually said, which you said Of course, this did not happen. Anywhere? And then we sent you a photo?

Seriously, pay the fuck up.

Be a man, shitbrain. WE WANT YOUR FUCKING MONEY.

Love,

Wonkette

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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